Rumi's field: "Beyond right ideas & wrong ideas there is a field. I will meet you there."
I often meet with clients who are adamant and entrenched about being right. Perhaps it is easy for me to recognize because it was also a pattern of my family of origin. A lot of energy went into being right. There is a good side to that. It fosters curiosity, learning, looking up answers, sometimes stimulating conversations. And, there is a negative side to wanting to be right: rigidity, closed-mindedness, arguing. As in most qualities, it seems to me that taken to an extreme, there is danger; but in balance, there is life. We all know the famous quote, "Would you rather be right or be happy?" by Jampolsky. It is good to consider that question when one finds oneself becoming entrenched in an opinion, a belief, or a thought.
Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? A very good question for each of us to consider. I would rather be happy.
Jul 14, 2011
Jul 13, 2011
Reevaluating
"Dreaming takes place during those relaxed times where nothing is scheduled and we are not focused on our never-ending-to-do lists. In those quiet, unscheduled times, we can ask ourselves where we are living small." Joanne McFadden.
Bone tired. That was how I recently wrote that caregivers were describing themselves or being viewed by others, and now I am too. I am working in doctor appointments and other errands, neighborhood meetings, time with more visitors from out of town and resulting activities -- all very good and all a lot in addition to ordering and dispensing medications, doing bills, etc., etc. I forgot to put the garbage out for collection; a sign I am overloaded. That and the headache.
News from the doctor is foot surgery is imminent. The ulcerated corn which has infected and invaded bone has not responded fully to the brace, and now surgery. And, the last surgery he had we were told to avoid any surgery because of the extreme hallucinations and belligerence caused by anesthesia and pain medications. So, frankly, I am scared. They will operate and then send him home with me.
Today I will take time to review. I do not have enough support and respite. I believe I am living small in the area of support and respite.
Bone tired. That was how I recently wrote that caregivers were describing themselves or being viewed by others, and now I am too. I am working in doctor appointments and other errands, neighborhood meetings, time with more visitors from out of town and resulting activities -- all very good and all a lot in addition to ordering and dispensing medications, doing bills, etc., etc. I forgot to put the garbage out for collection; a sign I am overloaded. That and the headache.
News from the doctor is foot surgery is imminent. The ulcerated corn which has infected and invaded bone has not responded fully to the brace, and now surgery. And, the last surgery he had we were told to avoid any surgery because of the extreme hallucinations and belligerence caused by anesthesia and pain medications. So, frankly, I am scared. They will operate and then send him home with me.
Today I will take time to review. I do not have enough support and respite. I believe I am living small in the area of support and respite.
Jul 12, 2011
Supporting one another
Yet perhaps our greatest gift is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer. Compassion can never coexist with judgment." Henri J. M. Nouwen.
With a group of friends I was discussing the importance of supporting one another. One woman shared the act of supporting her husband when he had cancer, another supported a family member during a professional transition, another was supporting an aging parent. When life presents us with significant challenges, like being a caregiver for someone with dementia, then it is important to create support systems that truly support us. For me, that is several spheres of support, with people from: our financial team, legal team, medical team, respite providers team, services rendered team, spiritual team - to name a few. Then there is a more intimate team of supporters: those trusted and nonjudgmental listeners, who love us and want to support us during these difficult times. I know that I cannot survive well without this more intimate circle of support. What spheres of support do you have? Is there need for more?
With a group of friends I was discussing the importance of supporting one another. One woman shared the act of supporting her husband when he had cancer, another supported a family member during a professional transition, another was supporting an aging parent. When life presents us with significant challenges, like being a caregiver for someone with dementia, then it is important to create support systems that truly support us. For me, that is several spheres of support, with people from: our financial team, legal team, medical team, respite providers team, services rendered team, spiritual team - to name a few. Then there is a more intimate team of supporters: those trusted and nonjudgmental listeners, who love us and want to support us during these difficult times. I know that I cannot survive well without this more intimate circle of support. What spheres of support do you have? Is there need for more?
Jul 11, 2011
Endurance
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much," Mother Teresa.
I always smile when I read this familiar quote; a play on words passed down to comfort someone in times of stress. The idea that God does not give us anything we cannot handle is so often repeated, that perhaps it is true. (Although I am certain we can each think of someone who took their own life presumably because life handed them more than they could handle.)
Being a dementia caregiver can sometimes seem more than one can handle. I spoke with a friend whose husband has dementia, and she admitted that she was at the end of her rope. So tired of having no life of her own. It is so good to share support with others who are going through similar things, and to come up with ideas of how to manage it. What can we do to handle this task of dementia caregiver which life or God has trusted us enough to handle? One thing, I think, is to make sure we do not entirely give up our own lives. That may mean hiring assistance so that we can carry on the activities and joys which comprise our own life.
I always smile when I read this familiar quote; a play on words passed down to comfort someone in times of stress. The idea that God does not give us anything we cannot handle is so often repeated, that perhaps it is true. (Although I am certain we can each think of someone who took their own life presumably because life handed them more than they could handle.)
Being a dementia caregiver can sometimes seem more than one can handle. I spoke with a friend whose husband has dementia, and she admitted that she was at the end of her rope. So tired of having no life of her own. It is so good to share support with others who are going through similar things, and to come up with ideas of how to manage it. What can we do to handle this task of dementia caregiver which life or God has trusted us enough to handle? One thing, I think, is to make sure we do not entirely give up our own lives. That may mean hiring assistance so that we can carry on the activities and joys which comprise our own life.
Jul 10, 2011
The journey versus the end
"You can never have a happy ending at the end of an unhappy journey; it just doesn't work out that way. The way you're feeling, along the way, is the way you're continuing to pre-pave your journey, and it's the way it's going to continue to turn out until you do something about the way you are feeling." Abraham.
It seems that the above quote is true (more ongoing research indicates that our feelings, thoughts and attitudes determine our health and well being), and it does not matter if your journey at the present time is dementia caregiver or something else. Of one thing we can be certain, all things do end. This role as dementia caregiver will end. How do we want it to look in the meantime? Amidst all of the 'to-do's' we must intermingle well being. Even better, for our highest well being we need to intermingle well being with the 'to-do's'. An activity to promote this is spending time every day talking (or if your care receiver can no longer talk -- showing photos) of the good times we have had and/or good times yet to come. It is a wonderful opportunity to be creative. A therapist I once knew recommended spending 3 minutes communicating in order to enhance a relationship. Of course, the 3 minutes must be positive and constructive conversation. What can you do today to make the journey more fulfilling?
It seems that the above quote is true (more ongoing research indicates that our feelings, thoughts and attitudes determine our health and well being), and it does not matter if your journey at the present time is dementia caregiver or something else. Of one thing we can be certain, all things do end. This role as dementia caregiver will end. How do we want it to look in the meantime? Amidst all of the 'to-do's' we must intermingle well being. Even better, for our highest well being we need to intermingle well being with the 'to-do's'. An activity to promote this is spending time every day talking (or if your care receiver can no longer talk -- showing photos) of the good times we have had and/or good times yet to come. It is a wonderful opportunity to be creative. A therapist I once knew recommended spending 3 minutes communicating in order to enhance a relationship. Of course, the 3 minutes must be positive and constructive conversation. What can you do today to make the journey more fulfilling?
Jul 9, 2011
Caregiver Burnout
"Burnout isn't just an occupational hazard limited to work. Whenever there's a gap between our ideal situation and the reality that we live in, the conditions are ripe for burnout." Joan Borysenko.
A dear friend sent me an article on "Compassion Fatigue". This is a topic I am familiar with because compassion fatigue is a hazard for mental health professionals, and I have attended several workshops on how to avoid it. But, her sending me the article caused me to think of an even more likely role in which to have compassion fatigue or burnout, and that is as a dementia caregiver. Another friend was relaying to me a story about a woman providing caregiving to her husband, along with an aide, and my friend related how bone tired the woman seemed. I saw a health practitioner today who is also providing caregiving to her mother, and she, too, appeared bone tired. Caregiver burnout. How do we avoid it?
Dr. Borysenko relates coming to terms with burnout (in her new book: Fried: Why you burn out and how to revive) and discovers it is pride which has caused her to become so task oriented that she was burned out. Whether it is pride or not, providing 24/7 caregiving to anyone is burnout waiting to happen.
Having too many things to do, and who doesn't as a dementia caregiver?, can cause us to let fall out of our life the very things that sustain us. For me that is prayer, exercise, fun, some unscheduled time, a sense I am contributing to something bigger than myself, human connections, quality sleep, massages, good nutrition, and creativity.
What sustains and replenishes you? It is critical that we take care of ourselves.
A dear friend sent me an article on "Compassion Fatigue". This is a topic I am familiar with because compassion fatigue is a hazard for mental health professionals, and I have attended several workshops on how to avoid it. But, her sending me the article caused me to think of an even more likely role in which to have compassion fatigue or burnout, and that is as a dementia caregiver. Another friend was relaying to me a story about a woman providing caregiving to her husband, along with an aide, and my friend related how bone tired the woman seemed. I saw a health practitioner today who is also providing caregiving to her mother, and she, too, appeared bone tired. Caregiver burnout. How do we avoid it?
Dr. Borysenko relates coming to terms with burnout (in her new book: Fried: Why you burn out and how to revive) and discovers it is pride which has caused her to become so task oriented that she was burned out. Whether it is pride or not, providing 24/7 caregiving to anyone is burnout waiting to happen.
Having too many things to do, and who doesn't as a dementia caregiver?, can cause us to let fall out of our life the very things that sustain us. For me that is prayer, exercise, fun, some unscheduled time, a sense I am contributing to something bigger than myself, human connections, quality sleep, massages, good nutrition, and creativity.
What sustains and replenishes you? It is critical that we take care of ourselves.
Jul 8, 2011
Having a vision or plan
"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it," Michelangelo.
That seems true, and we can apply it to any area of our lives, to include being caregivers for someone with dementia. The reason I chose the title for this blog as living graciously with dementia is to have a vision for how I wanted to be in this role as caregiver. It has made all the difference to me that I know how I want to show up. I could have had the goal of simply surviving this task, but that was not good enough. I want to do more than survive; I want to thrive in the role and as a result of having done the role with graciousness. Think of the people we can remember who had a dream they accomplished: John F. Kennedy dreamed of putting a person on the moon; Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed of a time when there would be no prejudice and injustice towards others because of race. These are just two of the better known dreams of well-known people.
One thing is true: we are in this role of being a dementia caregiver (or whatever other role you are doing that presents challenges). We can do it with a dream of how we want the process and outcome to look, or we can merely get by. I have a dream. I hope you do too.
That seems true, and we can apply it to any area of our lives, to include being caregivers for someone with dementia. The reason I chose the title for this blog as living graciously with dementia is to have a vision for how I wanted to be in this role as caregiver. It has made all the difference to me that I know how I want to show up. I could have had the goal of simply surviving this task, but that was not good enough. I want to do more than survive; I want to thrive in the role and as a result of having done the role with graciousness. Think of the people we can remember who had a dream they accomplished: John F. Kennedy dreamed of putting a person on the moon; Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed of a time when there would be no prejudice and injustice towards others because of race. These are just two of the better known dreams of well-known people.
One thing is true: we are in this role of being a dementia caregiver (or whatever other role you are doing that presents challenges). We can do it with a dream of how we want the process and outcome to look, or we can merely get by. I have a dream. I hope you do too.
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