Where Is Our Focus?

"It is the giving over to smallness that opens us to misery.  So, when feeling miserable, we must look wider than what hurts." Mark Nepo

There is much written nowadays that suggests that physical illness comes only after we have been oriented to seeing what was wrong in our lives and complaining.  I'm not sure that is true, but a piece of it certainly is.  Our lives do bring in more of whatever we are focused upon.  We have all been with people who talk about their troubles as if medals won, and we have all been with people who focus on the joy and goodness in their lives - in spite of difficulties.  It is a choice.  We can be oriented one way or the other.  As caregivers, we are dealing with someone who has a terminal illness.  Is our orientation toward seeing the end-of-life process or seeing the person within the circumstances?

Life Is Not a Struggle

"Stop swimming so hard and climb in the boat." Rumi

As caregivers, it will be natural for us to feel overwhelmed.  There is far too much for us to do, but, sometimes, trying so hard just makes it more work.  Sometimes it is important to just stop and reconsider our efforts.  Yesterday I was in the midst of working on our taxes - when it began to seem - just too much.  So, I stopped and took a breather.  The taxes will get done, but not that day.

Increasing Efficiency

"If an action will take less than two minutes, it should be done at the moment it is defined."
David Allen

As caregivers, we have far too many things to accomplish, so increasing our efficiency is one way we can have decrease our stress.  I notice how many people read emails or texts but do not respond to them right away, and that has always puzzled me.  It usually takes two minutes or much less to respond to an email or text, having read it, why not just answer it right then?  The same could be said for other tasks.  When we think of the task, if it takes two minutes or less, do it right now.  It adds to our stress to have things pending, and this is one very simple way to diminish stress -- while increasing efficiency.

Feeling Our Feelings

"Just as flowers need healthy root systems in order to blossom, feelings can only express their beauty when they are rooted cleanly within us, breaking ground in some manner, sprouting outside us."  Mark Nepo

Feelings are a distinctly human experience, although I saw a PBS special recently saying -- what all animal lovers have always known -- that animals also have feelings.  The thing about animals that is different from us is that they do not try to hide what they feel.  Neither do children.  My beautiful granddaughter wears her delight - or her displeasure - clearly on her face.  Where do we adults learn to hide from our feelings?  Perhaps it does not matter so much where we learned it, as it is important that we stop doing it.  To live with an open heart we need to feel what we feel.  Yesterday my time with my loved one was so sweet.  He was more lucid than usual, and he was his natural sweet-natured self.  Then, I later saw my granddaughter, who - by nature - wears such delight on her face.  I want to live more like she does --- in the moment, feeling my feelings.  How about you?   

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness does not mean that whatever happened is all right.  Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt and resentment of the situation." Eugene Holden

People sometimes say, 'well, I can forgive, but I will never forget.'  I don't think we are meant to forget -- because then we would not learn the lesson that can be gleaned from the situation. Forgiving just means that something happened, I don't like it, but I do accept it happened.  I remember hearing Oprah say that forgiving was giving up the hope that the past would be different, and I think that is a remarkable way to think of it -- because, in our unforgiving, aren't we wanting the past to be different so that we are not hurt?  As caregivers, we will be hurt by other family members, by the care receiver and by our own actions or inactions.  It is important to forgive.  Ourselves and all others.  What if, for today, we chose to believe that all people are doing the best they can do in their situations?

Honoring the Range of Our Emotions

"Keep me away from the wisdom that does not cry, the philosophy that does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran

Gibran is so wise.  keep me away from:  wisdom that does not cry, philosophy that does not laugh, and greatness that does not bow before children.  That covers everything, does it not?  As humans we need laughter, wisdom, humility, to express our sorrow.  To deny any of that is to deny being human.  Being sick is part of being human too.  I have caught whatever is the strain of illness going around just now.  I do not dare go see my loved one for fear of infected him, and I do not have the energy to do so anyway.  I call, but that is not the same as seeing him.  Part of being human:  the sickness, the joy, the sadness, the humility, the wisdom.

Remembering What We Know

"Forget what you've been taught so you can remember what you know." Alan Cohen

So much of what we believe and think we know is not really authentic for us.  New evidence shows that much of our behavior is controlled by beliefs we are not even aware we have.  These beliefs were 'downloaded' in our computer-like brain when we were very small, from our surroundings.  Some of these beliefs serve us, and others do not.  A task in life is to discern what beliefs are really our own.  Take caregiving.  What beliefs did you assimilate from those around you?  It is worth considering.