"It could not happen that God could create a spiritual entity such as you are; without having a special purpose in view, and that means that there is a special and particular place in it for you." Emmet Fox
Are you one of the people who considers what is the purpose of life? Not everyone does, but if you do consider your purpose, have you determined what it is? I have done countless exercises designed to help someone know what his or her purpose is, and the results have always seemed vague. Purpose, for me, would have to have something to do with improving the world by how I live my own life. There are schools of thought which say that there is a creative energy of life, and that all we have to do is set a conscious intention and this creative energy helps us achieve what we want. Kathy Juline suggests that we set a conscious intention of something we desire, declare this intention, and anchor it with a strong conviction that it is sure to be realized. Then to take any actions you feel guided to take toward achieving this intention.
What if we all set the intention for world peace, starting within our homes and our families? Let us consider doing this. If we all set the intention for peace, it could have a tremendous impact. Let's try it. I intend to practice peace. How about you?
Jul 31, 2012
Jul 30, 2012
A Sweet Life
"There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God." Brother Lawrence
Many years ago I read a book by Thomas Merton and decided to strive for being a contemplative in action. All that means, in my opinion, is that my relationship with God is not constrained to the time within the hours of prayer, but that my intention is to make my life a prayer. To do that, I start my day with spiritual practices or prayer, and then I strive to treat all people, things, and the planet with kindness. Practicing gratitude helps with that focus. So does something I learned many years ago from M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled, which suggested that a person never say anything unless he or she was convinced it was in the best spiritual interest of the other person to hear it. Wouldn't that stop a lot of the unkindness in the world? All the hurtful things that are said would be affected by choosing to say something only if you thought it was in the best interest of the other person to hear it. Notice that it is not if it is in your best interest, but is it in the best interest of the other person for you to say it? I have extended that practice in my life to the decisions I make. When I make a decision, and this includes when the decision was made to move Dwane into assisted living, I consider the best interest of everyone involved. The decision needs, for me, to be in the highest and best interest of everyone involved in order for me to implement it. We do need to make sure our ego is not the one in charge when we make these decisions, and one way I check to make sure is by asking the objective opinion of others whose opinions I value. What decision could you make today that is in the best interest of yourself and the others who might be affected?
Many years ago I read a book by Thomas Merton and decided to strive for being a contemplative in action. All that means, in my opinion, is that my relationship with God is not constrained to the time within the hours of prayer, but that my intention is to make my life a prayer. To do that, I start my day with spiritual practices or prayer, and then I strive to treat all people, things, and the planet with kindness. Practicing gratitude helps with that focus. So does something I learned many years ago from M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled, which suggested that a person never say anything unless he or she was convinced it was in the best spiritual interest of the other person to hear it. Wouldn't that stop a lot of the unkindness in the world? All the hurtful things that are said would be affected by choosing to say something only if you thought it was in the best interest of the other person to hear it. Notice that it is not if it is in your best interest, but is it in the best interest of the other person for you to say it? I have extended that practice in my life to the decisions I make. When I make a decision, and this includes when the decision was made to move Dwane into assisted living, I consider the best interest of everyone involved. The decision needs, for me, to be in the highest and best interest of everyone involved in order for me to implement it. We do need to make sure our ego is not the one in charge when we make these decisions, and one way I check to make sure is by asking the objective opinion of others whose opinions I value. What decision could you make today that is in the best interest of yourself and the others who might be affected?
Jul 29, 2012
Our Interconnection
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: " William Shakespeare
The idea that we are all interconnected and that we spend our lives trying to meet our needs is not new. Psychology has long pondered how we humans play what has been said or done to us throughout our lives. None of us completely got our needs met while we were growing up. We were raised by imperfect parents, so there is the thought that we spend our lives trying to get those needs met. Regardless of whether that is true, we humans do seem to have patterns in our behaviors and relationships. Mark Nepo says, "All the players in our dramas must be voiced before they will leave us be." So, if in our family of origin we were the scapegoat, we will unconsciously look for situations in which we are the scapegoat. It is familiar. If we were the hero, we will look for situations in which we can shine to bolster our self esteem. The way to stop this recycling of behavioral patterns is to recognize what need was not met, how we have tried to get that need met in ways that do not serve us, forgive ourselves and others for any trespasses on our souls, and engage in life in a new way. It really is that simple. But, it seems it is the only way to free ourselves from relationship patterns. Take caregiving for example. Have you been in situations before which called forth your caretaking skills? I would venture that most of us have. We might want to take a look at that. If we are getting our needs met by being needed by someone who is unable to take care of him/herself, that does not serve us or the care receiver. For certain, at this point in life we are caregivers. Let us look to see if we are fulfilling a need by that caregiving. This does not mean that we ditch the caregiving role midstream, but that we become clear about why we are doing it. You may be surprised.
The idea that we are all interconnected and that we spend our lives trying to meet our needs is not new. Psychology has long pondered how we humans play what has been said or done to us throughout our lives. None of us completely got our needs met while we were growing up. We were raised by imperfect parents, so there is the thought that we spend our lives trying to get those needs met. Regardless of whether that is true, we humans do seem to have patterns in our behaviors and relationships. Mark Nepo says, "All the players in our dramas must be voiced before they will leave us be." So, if in our family of origin we were the scapegoat, we will unconsciously look for situations in which we are the scapegoat. It is familiar. If we were the hero, we will look for situations in which we can shine to bolster our self esteem. The way to stop this recycling of behavioral patterns is to recognize what need was not met, how we have tried to get that need met in ways that do not serve us, forgive ourselves and others for any trespasses on our souls, and engage in life in a new way. It really is that simple. But, it seems it is the only way to free ourselves from relationship patterns. Take caregiving for example. Have you been in situations before which called forth your caretaking skills? I would venture that most of us have. We might want to take a look at that. If we are getting our needs met by being needed by someone who is unable to take care of him/herself, that does not serve us or the care receiver. For certain, at this point in life we are caregivers. Let us look to see if we are fulfilling a need by that caregiving. This does not mean that we ditch the caregiving role midstream, but that we become clear about why we are doing it. You may be surprised.
Jul 28, 2012
Let Go and Let God
"When your tasks seem a little heavy and overwhelming, remember to do one thing at a time quietly, and leave the rest because the rest is not your job. What you cannot get through, you must hand back to God and He will work it out for you." White Eagle
As caregivers for someone with dementia, the tasks can seem too heavy and overwhelming, and the above seems like good advice: to do one thing at a time quietly and leave the rest to God (as you understand God or a Higher Power). This same advice is given in the 12 Step Programs. People with addictions and those in relationship with them can make a mess of things by themselves, and they are advised to "Let Go and Let God": the same advice White Eagle is giving. Perhaps that seems like magical thinking, or perhaps you do not believe in a benevolent presence in the universe. In spite of that disbelief, this is good advise. We can only do so much. To try to do more is to endanger our own health. When the neuropsychologist recommended that my spouse be in a "setting where there is plenty of supervision", that would have been impossible to implement at home. Even with hired health care workers present, the equipment and vehicles at home created an environment in which Dwane endangered himself. I could not provide adequate safety in the home setting. We each need to do what is needed for the safety of the care receiver and the well being of ourselves. And, we can choose to trust God that the rest will be taken care of.
As caregivers for someone with dementia, the tasks can seem too heavy and overwhelming, and the above seems like good advice: to do one thing at a time quietly and leave the rest to God (as you understand God or a Higher Power). This same advice is given in the 12 Step Programs. People with addictions and those in relationship with them can make a mess of things by themselves, and they are advised to "Let Go and Let God": the same advice White Eagle is giving. Perhaps that seems like magical thinking, or perhaps you do not believe in a benevolent presence in the universe. In spite of that disbelief, this is good advise. We can only do so much. To try to do more is to endanger our own health. When the neuropsychologist recommended that my spouse be in a "setting where there is plenty of supervision", that would have been impossible to implement at home. Even with hired health care workers present, the equipment and vehicles at home created an environment in which Dwane endangered himself. I could not provide adequate safety in the home setting. We each need to do what is needed for the safety of the care receiver and the well being of ourselves. And, we can choose to trust God that the rest will be taken care of.
Jul 27, 2012
Bittersweet
"Fluctuation: one feature that distinguishes DLB from other forms of dementia is clear fluctuations in an individual's attention and alertness." Mayo Clinic Patient Education
There are aspects that are difficult at both ends of the spectrum of lucidity in Dementia with Lewy Bodies. When he is not lucid, that is difficult because he will lash out against his situation and deny that he has any need for assistance. When he is lucid, as he was yesterday, he understands his situation so well that it is sad. Yesterday, he acknowledged how much he is declining, and he told me to put him into hospice as soon as he needs it. He is not ready for hospice yet (I called them early on and was told they take people when a doctor says the person has about six months to live.), but it was a tender moment for us when we could acknowledge the toll this disease is taking. This does not mean he may be that lucid about his reality in the next conversation. It had been just the previous conversation where he had told me I needed to get the house ready for him to come home. As caregivers we ride a roller coaster as we interact with the care receiver in his/her various states of lucidity. What I try to do is just listen and empathize with him -- however lucid he is. When he is not lucid, I may reflect back to him a bit of reality: such as, "Remember. The neuropsychologist said you needed assisted living now." It is a balance between not arguing (which is pointless and frustrating) and not condoning their non-reality.
There are aspects that are difficult at both ends of the spectrum of lucidity in Dementia with Lewy Bodies. When he is not lucid, that is difficult because he will lash out against his situation and deny that he has any need for assistance. When he is lucid, as he was yesterday, he understands his situation so well that it is sad. Yesterday, he acknowledged how much he is declining, and he told me to put him into hospice as soon as he needs it. He is not ready for hospice yet (I called them early on and was told they take people when a doctor says the person has about six months to live.), but it was a tender moment for us when we could acknowledge the toll this disease is taking. This does not mean he may be that lucid about his reality in the next conversation. It had been just the previous conversation where he had told me I needed to get the house ready for him to come home. As caregivers we ride a roller coaster as we interact with the care receiver in his/her various states of lucidity. What I try to do is just listen and empathize with him -- however lucid he is. When he is not lucid, I may reflect back to him a bit of reality: such as, "Remember. The neuropsychologist said you needed assisted living now." It is a balance between not arguing (which is pointless and frustrating) and not condoning their non-reality.
Jul 26, 2012
Miracle Workers
"A miracle worker is not geared toward fighting the world that is, but toward creating the world that could be." Marianne Williamson
We who are caregivers are miracle workers. We take a very, very difficult situation and work toward creating the best of the situation for the care receiver and ourselves. I have come to belief that -- for me -- I do not want to fight against anything. I think it is a mistake to "fight" the disease of dementia, or other diseases, like drug addiction. That does not mean we do not aim for the highest quality of life for the person with dementia and ourselves, but to "fight it", seems to me to be using our energy in the wrong way. Miracles do happen, but one reason they are called miracles is that they are rare; not the usual circumstances. I think it is fair to say that we are not going to "beat" dementia during the time that we are caregivers. It is a terminal and progressive disease. We who are caregivers see the progression on a daily basis. I think it is important to accept that this is a terminal disease, and then to make the best of the life time that remains. And, to make the best of it, means to focus on the well being of the care receiver and ourselves. The most important aspect for the care receiver may very well be safety, as in Lewy Bodies Dementia the application of judgment to actions and decisions is severely damaged. The most important aspect of well being for the care giver is respite from the demands of the care receiver, and that sometimes means having the care receiver live in a setting where the supervision is in place. Whatever our decision, let us remember we are miracle workers: working toward creating the best possible world we can -- for the care receiver and ourselves -- within the parameters of the disease of dementia.
We who are caregivers are miracle workers. We take a very, very difficult situation and work toward creating the best of the situation for the care receiver and ourselves. I have come to belief that -- for me -- I do not want to fight against anything. I think it is a mistake to "fight" the disease of dementia, or other diseases, like drug addiction. That does not mean we do not aim for the highest quality of life for the person with dementia and ourselves, but to "fight it", seems to me to be using our energy in the wrong way. Miracles do happen, but one reason they are called miracles is that they are rare; not the usual circumstances. I think it is fair to say that we are not going to "beat" dementia during the time that we are caregivers. It is a terminal and progressive disease. We who are caregivers see the progression on a daily basis. I think it is important to accept that this is a terminal disease, and then to make the best of the life time that remains. And, to make the best of it, means to focus on the well being of the care receiver and ourselves. The most important aspect for the care receiver may very well be safety, as in Lewy Bodies Dementia the application of judgment to actions and decisions is severely damaged. The most important aspect of well being for the care giver is respite from the demands of the care receiver, and that sometimes means having the care receiver live in a setting where the supervision is in place. Whatever our decision, let us remember we are miracle workers: working toward creating the best possible world we can -- for the care receiver and ourselves -- within the parameters of the disease of dementia.
Jul 25, 2012
Peace
"When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy." The Dalai Lama
What if the above statement is true? Well, that would mean that we could not blame other people or any circumstances for our own happiness. It would mean that the quality of our lives was our own responsibility and not dependent on any outside circumstances. When we, as caregivers, get frustrated, which is only natural, let us remember that the quality of our lives is up to us. How do we practice this? Some ways that help are to practice gratitude. Are you still writing down 3 miracles you see in your every day life? Having this practice helps us to look for the miracles, to look for the positive things occurring in our lives. We can choose to see either the positive or the negative in our lives. This does not mean we pretend the negative aspects are not there; it just means that our focus is on finding the positive among the many attributes of any experience in life. I took Dwane to a concert recently. He had said he wanted to go, but I noticed his eyes were closed during most of the concert. He complained his chair was too hard, and then that his legs were numb. It seems we are in the stage of Lewy Bodies Dementia where he still wants to do things, but the body is not supportive of the activity. People asked me if he enjoyed it. I have no idea, but exposure to music is good for the brain and it was good for him to get out into different settings. I think he did enjoy the dinner beforehand. Will I take him again? Not sure. But I do not regret taking him. The music was good, it was well received, and I got him in and out of the crowd without incidents. Perhaps The Dalai Lama is right: peace and joy spring from within us and we have the power to choose the attitudes that support their flourishing.
What if the above statement is true? Well, that would mean that we could not blame other people or any circumstances for our own happiness. It would mean that the quality of our lives was our own responsibility and not dependent on any outside circumstances. When we, as caregivers, get frustrated, which is only natural, let us remember that the quality of our lives is up to us. How do we practice this? Some ways that help are to practice gratitude. Are you still writing down 3 miracles you see in your every day life? Having this practice helps us to look for the miracles, to look for the positive things occurring in our lives. We can choose to see either the positive or the negative in our lives. This does not mean we pretend the negative aspects are not there; it just means that our focus is on finding the positive among the many attributes of any experience in life. I took Dwane to a concert recently. He had said he wanted to go, but I noticed his eyes were closed during most of the concert. He complained his chair was too hard, and then that his legs were numb. It seems we are in the stage of Lewy Bodies Dementia where he still wants to do things, but the body is not supportive of the activity. People asked me if he enjoyed it. I have no idea, but exposure to music is good for the brain and it was good for him to get out into different settings. I think he did enjoy the dinner beforehand. Will I take him again? Not sure. But I do not regret taking him. The music was good, it was well received, and I got him in and out of the crowd without incidents. Perhaps The Dalai Lama is right: peace and joy spring from within us and we have the power to choose the attitudes that support their flourishing.
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