Joining Their Reality

"Do not try to change someone's reality.  Why would we want them to accept the wretchedness of their reality?" Dr. Fellner

I went to a workshop yesterday which affirmed my belief that we do not argue with or try to convince someone with dementia that their reality is not real.  If your loved one believes he or she has worked hard all day, isn't that better than what might be their reality?  If your love one believes he or she talked with their mother today, isn't that better than the reality?  Join in their reality by asking them to tell you more about it.  It beats arguing.  

Courage

"A ship in the harbor is safe -- but that is not what ships are built for." John A. Shedd

And humans are not built to hide who they are.  It is tempting, especially as we get older and perhaps especially if we are women, to seem to be invisible.  I watched an episode of Frankie and Grace last night, the Netflix original series, and - while it is hysterically funny -- it was also poignant as two older women try to adjust to not being part of a married couple -- the standard of excellence in our society.  It is a challenge for each of us to be fully who we are.  Alone.  As that is what we who are caregivers often are.  Let us not be invisible.  Let us stand fully, even more fully, in who we are.  

Steeping Forth Into Our Nobility

"To be or not to be, that is the question." Shakespeare

Buddhist teachings tell us it is important to uncover our nobility, with nobility being defined as "our original goodness".  What if we each lived knowing of our nobility.  I'm not talking about false bravado.  I'm talking about truly knowing our place in the universe and our relevance.  Nothing is by chance.  It is all by design.  We are important in the scheme of things.  Just as no two snowflakes are alike, no two humans are alike.  The world needs your giftedness.

Loving Ourselves

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves." Rainer Maria Rilke

I heard a taping of the Dalai Lama recently where he simply could not understand the translation or concept of self loathing.  He said that simply is not within the Tibetan understanding, as they know all life is very precious.  Where did we who are in western areas learn to have disregard for ourselves?  Perhaps it does not matter where the disregard started, but now let's stop it!!!  It serves no one.  Love of self is imperative before we can love others.  Today, what is one act of love you can do for yourself?

Feeling Worthy

For years, I would shelf my light to take care of others." Mark Nepo

That may be true for all of us who end up as caregivers.  Many people meet their needs by meeting the needs of others.  Most of us are taught very young to do that.  I remember as a young child having an elderly relative come to visit.  He did not feel well, and I was given a lot of positive feedback for getting him drinks and other things he needed.  To have that as a child encourages a life of taking care of others' needs.  To this day, I have trouble putting my own needs first, and, yet, we must.  No one really wins when we put the needs of others before ourselves as a habitual practice.  

Walking Our Own Path

"Two road diverged in the woods, and I, I took the road less traveled by.  And that has made all the difference."  Robert Frost

It seems to me that it does not matter how we choose to provide care for our loved one -- someone will find fault in the way we have chosen.   Therefore, we must decide what is right for us, and then do it.  Not that we cannot take feedback from people who love us and have our best interest, and the best interest of our loved one, in mind, but we must choose.  If we want to keep our loved one at home, then do it.  If we want to provide care in a care facility, then do it.  And, please, do not measure how you do things compared with others.  Every situation is different.  Every type of dementia is different.  Some people with some types of dementia can be managed at home.  Other types are far more difficult.  Let us be confident in the path we choose.  

Daring Greatly

"Live your life daring greatly." Brene Brown

Such good advice from research scientist and public speaker, Brene Brown.  We worry too much about what others will think.  We have had too many experiences that have us question the legitimacy of our being here.  Today let us be at peace in our decisions as caregivers, knowing we are doing the best we can under the circumstances we have.