Happiness as a Goal

"The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness.  Happiness is the goal of every other goal." Deepak Chopra

How happy are you?  Statistics indicate that depression is common among caregivers.  Last week I felt some of the symptoms of depression, and I realized my Vitamin D levels were low again.  Caregiving is stressful.  It is imperative that we are in touch with our own health status and taking steps to preserve it.  Please do not let the disease take both you and your loved one!  Managing our own health is one way to be happy --- it is hard to be happy when we are ill, whether in body or mind.  Arranging events of fun add to happiness, not doing things we do not want to do adds to happiness, having relationships with people who truly care about us adds to happiness, times in nature attribute to happiness.  Let's consider for today that happiness is the purpose of life, and let's choose to be happy.  

Lighten Up

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   "Here is what I want to know:  Can we lighten up a little?" Elizabeth Gilbert
   
   

   Sometimes it may seem, as caregivers, we have the weight of the world and all its problems on our shoulders.  It can seem as if there is nothing funny or light or joyous in the world.  If that is the case, and I believe it will be from time to time for caregivers, then we need to have a break.  A respite from the task of caregiving.  How do you get breaks?  It may seem that if our loved one is in a care facility, then we would have all the breaks we need.  But that is not necessarily true.  We may feel that we need to work to pay for his or her care.  We still are the ones called when the falls happen.  We still need to make the best decisions.  In what way can you lighten your load?  For me, it is walks in nature and good conversations with true friends and time with my enchanting granddaughter.  Yesterday I went with her and her mother for her first haircut.  I love being a part of the beginnings of life --- they help offset the endings.  

Remaining Calm

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   "You cannot calm the storm . . . . so stop trying.  What you can do is calm yourself.  The storm will pass." Timber Hawkeye
   
   

   As caregivers, even if we are not doing the caregiving 24/7, there are lots of storms.  We are going through a period of my loved one falling:  falling out of the wheelchair, falling out of bed.  The nursing home staff has lowered his bed near the floor and put a cushioned mat beside it to protect him, and if the falls from the wheelchair continue, we will implement a tray for the wheelchair.  The falling is, in my opinion, that he forgets he can no longer walk, and - in the midst of a hallucination -- he tries to go where he thinks he needs to go.  The best approach for me is to remain calm and consider the options for keeping him safe.

Helping Across Threshold

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   "At heart, hospitality is helping across a threshold." Ivan Illich
   

   
   

   As caregivers, isn't it possible that one of our main tasks is to help our loved one cross the threshold from this life to what is after?  That may seem gruesome to some, but the reality is our loved one is dying - barring a miracle.  It helps me to think of it in the terms above:  it is hospitality to help someone cross a threshold.  We all have had a someone in our lives who has helped us cross a threshold of some kind.  A kind person who did not do something for us, but showed us the way and supported us as we made our journey.  That is what we can now do for our loved one:  support him or her in the journey.  

Living Life

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   "Yours is to live it, not to reveal it." Helen Luke
   
   

   Wise words.  We can spend so much time thinking about life and talking about life -- perhaps even telling people our beliefs about what life means.  But the richer thing by far is to simply live life.  That means, for me, to stop being in my head about something in the past or in the future, to be present to what is before me - without resistance, and to immerse myself in what is my life.  Perhaps it does not get any better.  Yes, I have a husband dying from a terminal and debilitating disease, but - even in that - I can find sweetness.  Yesterday he was so glad to see me (it varies depending on his mood), and he was also so tired.  I sat with him, holding his hand, as he slept.  He is such a good man.

Sadness is Normal

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   "Despair is what happens when you fight sadness. Compassion is what happens when you don’t. " Susan Piver
   
   Interesting suggestion. Piver suggests that the great people of whom we might think, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, etc,, arrived at their greatness by feeling sadness.  We have much sadness to consider as caregivers.  To witness someone we love dying with a terminal illness is very, very sad.  Perhaps Piver is right, and it is best to feel the sadness.  How can you honor the sadness today?

Knowing Our Relevance

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   "We, too, are each significant parts of the whole, playing our unique and independent parts in the orchestra of life." Herracia Brewer
   
   

   It seems that part of the journey in life is to realize that while we are not special -- as in set apart from others in a special way --, we are special in the unique part we contribute to the whole of life.  It is a subtle, but important, distinction.  We are a unique essence.  Just like we are told that no two snowflakes are exactly alike, no two human beings are exactly alike.  No snowflake is more important than any other snowflake; and it is also true, no human is more important than any other human.  We bring our unique giftedness and personality to life -- as only we can.  Have you ever considered what a difference it would make if you were not here?  We can all see that difference when someone we know and love dies.  We see that the essence that was so uniquely and genuinely them is now gone.  Let us know the contribution we make while we are still here and interacting with life.