Gratitude

Brother David Steindl-Rast advocates a practice of gratitude that is different from others I have read. Before going to sleep each night he thinks of something about which to be grateful that he has never expressed gratitude about before. It is a good practice. It can take us from the more familiar or mundane (health, happiness, wealth) to noticing the smaller aspects of our lives about which to be grateful. Sometimes when riding my bike on the mountain trail, I am grateful for a butterfly that floats by and around me. Yesterday I was grateful for the healthy, young runners I met, who were so obviously enjoying themselves and their running. This gratitude helped offset the incident of the dog lunging at me. Really, isn't it true that one can choose upon what to put one's noticing?

Focus on the positive

In one of my readings this morning, the wonderful, early positive-thinking teacher, Catherine Ponder, says, "When you bless a problem, injury, lack, or an enemy, you are calling forth the good within them, and you will be pleasantly surprised at the good that comes through them." Without getting too much into the mysterious, I do think there is great value at having the intention of noticing the things in life about which to be grateful. With a life-crisis like dementia, I find it is easy to fall into just noticing the things going wrong, worrying about what the future holds (like, can I safely leave him and go participate in the marathon with my grandson), noticing the things that are no longer there. It is just as easy, and it is very good practice for my mental health, to notice all the goodness still in our lives. The beauty of the fall colors which are beginning to change in the high country in which we live. The fact that I get to ride my bike on my favorite mountain trail this morning. The fact that I washed all my windows yesterday, and I love being able to see clearly the outside and the light that comes in through the clean panes. The fact that Dwane and I can still laugh together, enjoy a great meal, be active. Today, I intend to see only the good, only the things for which I am grateful.

Discouragement

In my situation, the one to feel discouragement is the one providing the care. I thought if I got all his prescriptions which needed refilling ready to be refilled, he could drive to our local pharmacy and pick them up. But, now I am wrong about that. Yesterday I had to reschedule my entire day because he went to get his prescriptions and came home with none. I still do not understand what went wrong, and, of course, he cannot explain it to me. But this looks like yet another thing I will have to be completely responsible for. I have slipped into discouragement. It seems when I have expectations (he can still do this simple thing if I arrange it for him), and then he is unable to, discouragement for me is likely. I need to change this pattern for myself.

Coping with Crisis

Another benefit from dealing with a crisis, according to Rudolf Moos at Stanford University, is that we become more resilient. New circumstances force us to develop new skills. This can lead to developing more self confidence, and it certainly can assist us in developing stronger capacities for dealing with life's ups and downs. Dealing with a crisis can cause us to seek new information and resources and to turn to a confidant for support. Seeking help is, according to Rudolf Moos, the turning point in positive coping.

Dealing with crisis can also help us regulate our emotions. I'm sure we all know adults who have temper tantrums common to 2-year olds. Dealing with a crisis, like caring for someone with dementia, can help prepare us for the intense emotions that result. To cope, we learn to bring our emotions under control so that our cognitive processes can deal with the crisis.

Dealing with a life crisis, such as caring for someone with dementia, can result in us being more resilient, humble, having closer relationships, developing better coping skills, setting new priorities and having greater self understanding. It depends on how one deals with the crisis, and seeking help is the turning point in positive coping (Rudolf Moos).

How do deal with this as a crisis

Psychologist Rudolf Moos at Stanford University Medical Center has done research on ways to handle a crisis that can also change your life. One of the strategies is to realign our basic values and priorities. We have many options when life hands us something unexpected and unwanted. It is important, in my opinion, that we choose how we are going to handle it. I know my way has always been to look directly at what is, and then make choices aligned with what seems to be the best options, with the new altered reality.

I have dismantled my professional life, because this disease now takes precedence. Facing something that is incurable and progressive, I realize that life is short and I am making new decisions about what to do with my time. More tomorrow on how to let crisis change your life.

Tips for anxiety

Again, hypnosis has been more helpful than the medications for lessening anxiety. The other things that help are predictability and being prepared. Dwane does much better if we keep a routine. It does not have to be rigid, but some framework of a routine. Also, I make sure he knows well ahead what time and where we are going. In unfamiliar situations he will ask over and over what time the same event is, or where it is. I find it best to just answer repeatedly. If that is too annoying to do, then writing the time and place on a piece of paper for the person with dementia seems to help. Perhaps the worst incident is if we have to get up earlier than usual. He has trouble setting an alarm clock correctly, and even if it is set correctly, he is so anxious that he often gets up hours before we need to. I haven't found an effective solution for this yet. Has anyone else?

What can be done about apathy?

Of all the behaviors that accompany dementia, apathy and anxiety are especially problematic in our situation. The medications, Aricept and Namenda, have helped with cognitive problem solving somewhat, but apathy and anxiety were untouched. So, here is where hypnosis has been such a help. I am so grateful to my daughter-in-law for calling to my attention the research being done in England, which seems to be sound research, citing hypnosis helps more with the behavioral aspects of dementia than medication does.

Dwane had such an extreme and dramatic change in behavior. I used to refer to him as the EverReady bunny, like in the commercials. Just going, going, going in some type of functional and productive way. But, except for personal grooming, Dwane did nothing but sit in a chair from last fall to this summer. Hypnosis has changed that. He is engaged every day for part of the day in purposeful productivity. I am so grateful.