Finding Our Inner Beauty

"Out of your own heart; discover in your own soul rose garden after rose garden." Rumi

Are you aware what a remarkably beautiful human being you are?   I hope so.  We are trained against seeing our own beauty -- warned that we might become self centered.  The people I have known who truly love themselves are the very least self centered.  Because it is in loving one's self that we are capable of loving others.

Planning Ahead

"If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I would spend six hours sharpening my ax."
Abraham Lincoln

Planning ahead.  So important.  I seem to be the type of person who can consider many options, and then implement them.  I have noticed in my years of practicing therapy that not all people can do the implementing part.  They talk, they dream, they vision -- but they do not take action.  Action is imperative.  I have also learned to honor my action modes.  They seem to come in waves, and I have learned to ride the wave when it comes.  I am in high-action mode:  cleaning out the garage, calling service people, giving things to good will.  Another layer of possessions dispersed.  Feels good.

Honoring The Passages

"We cannot afford to forget any experience, not even the most painful." Dag Hammarskjold

Not only can we not afford to forget any experience, I think we also must honor every experience in some way -- even the painful ones.  That is why I am making funeral arrangements before he has died -- to honor the process, and, in so doing, his life and our journey with dementia.  I also want to honor my own process.  For ten years I have been caregiver for someone with dementia.  There have been many phases in this journey, and many, many difficulties.  But, I have become stronger, more true to myself, and more mature in the process.  How can you honor your caregiving?

Loving Ourselves and Others

"The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing." Madeleine L'Engle

I have chosen recently to increase my acts of love toward myself - in response to losing my keys and realizing I am under intolerable stress and pressures.  In what ways do I do that?  I use our hot tub more.  I took a bike ride yesterday to make sure I got exercise.  I bought some food at the store that would ensure I had some good meals.  I called and arranged to meet with our priest, so that I can discuss funeral details.  I got together with a woman who is just starting her journey with her spouse and dementia.  I was able to give her some tips for things to do at the onset of this journey as we walked in a beautiful area.  Knowing one is not alone is an act of self love.  I have talked with my son on the phone, and I met my daughter and granddaughter for lunch.  Spending time with those I love the most is the most loving thing I can do for me.  

Honoring Our Own Counsel

"Be still and listen to the stillness within." Darlene Larson Jenks

In addition to seeking counsel from others, let us be sure to seek and honor our own counsel.  For all things.  Even for how often we visit our loved one.  I go 3 times every week.  Could I go more?  Of course.  But, it is a 2 hour drive for me, and I have many other obligations.  Some people go every day, and may be happy to tell us that.  Some people do not go at all.  We must come to what is right for us and honor it.  With the funeral arrangements I also want to honor my own counsel.  Of course I will consider his other family members and what they may or may not want, and I will consider what my loved one would want.  And then, I will decide.  Because it is my responsibility, and only I know what I want and can tolerate.

Feeling Our Grief

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the over fraught heart and bids it break." William Shakespeare

With whom can you speak your grief?  It needs to be someone with compassion, time, and good listening skills.  I am currently paying a therapist to listen to me and to help me see if my thinking is correct.  Of course, I also have friends and family who will listen, but they each have challenges and lives of their own with which to deal.  I think Shakespeare is right about this, as he is about so many things:  we must speak our grief -- or have it break our hearts.  

Handling Fear

"fear gained its power whenever I would leave the moment at hand to imagine bad things descending in the future," Mark Nepo

We don't even really have to imagine the bad things descending -- often it is just a free floating anxiety about the future.  I have wondered why the pack rat problem was so upsetting for me -- the problem was taken care of temporarily by the exterminator, but it is the fear looming for me of knowing the solution was not permanent.  In cases like these, all we can do is take action to put a plan in place to handle and/or prevent the problem.  After many phone calls, I do have someone who will take care of the problem permanently.  This is a tremendous relief for me, and the alleviation of fear about 'what if' -- what if it got in the house when it is closed up for the winter?  Fear.  Taking appropriate action, and then staying in the present are ways to handle our fear, which is a normal human emotion.