Ups and Downs

"Grief is a process, which must be traversed." grief therapy

Of one thing in life we can be certain.  We will have losses.  Those losses can be ignored by us keeping too busy, or flinging ourselves immediately into another love relationship or project, or by numbing with alcohol or drugs.  But, those methods will not address the loss.  Losses of any size must be acknowledged in order to move beyond them, and that is best done by getting in touch with our emotions around the loss.  What loss is occurring in your life now?  What are your feelings around that loss?

Lighting the Candle

"Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle." Ben Franklin

We have all heard the story of the man who is looking for his car keys under a street light.  When someone stops to help him and asks where he dropped them, he points to a dark area down the road.  When the surprised helper asks him why he is looking here, rather than where he dropped them, he says "The light is better here."  Now, that is a joke.  But, how many times are we looking for something in the wrong place.  I have been in therapy for some months to deal with the grief and trauma of a dementia-related death.  It was only yesterday with my daughter that a therapist recognized what my deep sadness is about:  the loss of my partner.  It surprises me that people think, just because he had dementia, that he was not still -- in moments of lucidity -- the partner I love.  It is important we have people in our lives that help us look in the right places, because once a feeling is identified and honored, it can be processed and released.  I am grateful.

The Mist

"How do we embrace the "what is" in a manner that allows us to respond to it proactively, rather than staring at it fearfully and giving it more negative power?" Dennis Merritt Jones

Like the mist, the path to feeling better may be covered up.  I recently had a talk with a friend about someone who has had therapy for years around an issue but has not changed.  My comment  was that I would not be in conversation with someone for years about a problem.  It serves no one.   It adds to our emotional charge to revisit, continue to talk about, matters of distress or dysfunction.  That does not mean ignoring or denying them.  It means just not telling the same stories with the same excuses.  One way I do that is by looking for the opportunities to learn within the distressful situation and change my behavior so I get different results.

Development of Compassion

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Caregiving involves defeat, suffering, struggle, loss.  It is perhaps the "perfect storm" to develop compassion, appreciation, sensitivity, gentleness, loving concern and an understanding of life.  But, only if we walk through the depths of those struggles.  Of course, other things, like serious illness or professional defeat, can involve all these things too.  The fact is that not one of us humans will get through life without experiencing defeat, suffering, struggle and loss.  The one thing we have control over is how we handle those situations.  Give yourselves a pat on the back --- you are one of the beautiful people.

Beauty of Fall

"For everything born death is certain.  And for everything that dies birth is certain."
 Marcus Aurelius

Fall is an excellent time to remember the truth of the above quote.  "For everything that dies birth is certain."  We know that on a very deep level that the dying of foliage now - soon to be covered by snow in the northern hemisphere - new life, new birth will occur in the spring.  The same is true for our human births and deaths and births.  Let us hold onto that for hope.

Good Wins Out

"Love has overcome.  Love is victorious. Amen." Thomas Merton just before his death

I think fairy tales and epics like Star Wars and Harry Potter have it right.  Good does win.  That theme is too often repeated in our human condition for there not to be truth in it.  That does not mean there will not be challenges, nor does it mean that we will get to always see that Good wins.  But, I believe it does win.    Always.

Seeing Beyond Reality

"Grieve is like being concussed." C. S. Lewis

I have never, to my knowledge, had a concussion, but - to my surprise - in this grief process, my brain has actually hurt.  I think Lewis is right.  Please, caregivers, do not minimize the physical trauma stress and grieving causes.  It has felt to me like the above photo of the very dark tunnel.  Once, having entered the tunnel, propelled there by grief and trauma, we know intellectually there is a light at the other end, but that does not negate that we must traverse the tunnel.  With love and gentleness toward ourselves.