Are We Caregiving For Right Reasons?

"There is, after all, a difference in helping somebody because if you don't you will lose their love or some sense of yourself as a caring person, and helping someone because your impulse of heart moves you to their aid."  Mark Nepo

There are many reasons we caregive and many reasons for the way we caregive.  What are your reasons?  Let us make sure we are not caregiving to shore up our own ego or out of fear of losing love.  If we choose to help, let it be because our own hearts were moved to do so.

Grieving

"Even desolation is a world to be explored." Sylvia Townsend Warner

It is rather shocking to me how much grieving there is after all the grieving one does during the many years of dementia.  One grieves during all those years, and one grieves at a different level upon the death of a loved one.  Just something about which to be aware.

Master of Fate?

"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." William Ernest Henley

Is it true that we are masters of our fate?  Only to a certain extent, it seems to me.  Viktor Frankl found in a concentration camp that the only thing over which we have control ultimately is our attitude, and I think that is true.  We have the choice of how we do the job of caregiving, but many of us did not choose to become caregivers -- it was more that we rose to the occasion.  

Importance of Love

"The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing." Madeleine L'Engle

We have choices in life:  to love or withhold our love.  Sometimes it may seem safer to withhold our love, but it is never the better choice.  Certainly we will be hurt if we risk loving, but we will shrivel and die if we do not.  Yesterday I lent my skill set to speak in court on behalf of what was best for a child.  It is important to love and to speak up for those who cannot.  How do you show love?

Handling Stress

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess.  Only one feat is possible --- not to have run away." Dag Hammarskjold

I would think that I would have less stress now, even though there are still many details to take care of.  But, I am still not sleeping.  Generally, I have very good coping skills, so this is telling me that not only have I been on overload for a very long time, his death does not end that, and - in fact - has exacerbated it.  So, I am going to try medication to help me sleep and add that to my practice of mindfulness and exercise.  I share these struggles because, as caregivers, we must be aware of the stress we are under and the need to consider all options to help alleviate that stress.  

Helping One Another

"Help thy brother's boat across; and, lo, thine own has reached the shore," Hindu proverb

Yes, life goes better when we cooperate and help one another.  Having said that -- it is difficult for me to ask for help from someone.  I still need to move 2 pieces of furniture from the nursing home.  I will have to figure out if I can get them in my vehicle, or if I need to ask someone to help me.  Is it easy for you to ask for help?  I realize that it is a skill I can improve.  I had an interesting conversation - and revealing one for me - with my sister about people expressing condolences.  I find it easy to express condolences to someone else, and I am less comfortable with accepting them.  For my sister it is the exact opposite.  Interesting.  There is always opportunity for me to clarify and change my behavior so that it serves me better.

Finding Serenity

"Speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee." Book of Job

Where do you find respite and healing?  I find it, among other places, in nature.  I love the autumn.  The colors, the temperatures, the warm days and cool nights.  Yesterday I went to a Pow Wow with a Lakota friend.  I try to experience different cultures whenever I can.  When I travel, I try to attend spiritual services in whatever culture I am visiting.  It is so important that we are tolerant of each others' differences, and - who knows? - I might find a new source of support.  The Pow Wow was fabulous dancing and costumes and energy.  It was a wonderful day, as in the morning I got to see my daughter and granddaughter in a homecoming parade at the university where my daughter was homecoming queen while she was there.  Yes, I love the fall and all the reasons to be fully, vibrantly alive.