"In countless ways, we work so hard to get there, only to bypass feeling the deep rewards of inhabiting the space we arrive in." Mark Nepo
Remember a time when you received an honor or there was a celebration on your behalf. Were you able to really enjoy feeling the rewards of the effort that led up to that moment? I think many of us numb ourselves out to fully feeling the gratifications of our efforts. Remember your wedding, or First Communion, or Bar Mitzvah. Did you take time to savor the celebration? And, we don't have to be talking about the big events here. It is perhaps even more important to savor the moment right here, right now. Do you fully taste that sip of tea? Do you fully savor the person in front of you? How about the one in the mirror?
Today take a deep breath several times during the day and savor whatever is going right for you, right now.
Mar 14, 2012
Mar 13, 2012
Be Yourself
"Insist on yourself, never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumlative force of a whole life's cultivation . . ." Ralph Waldo Emerson
I remember hearing Oprah once telling her audience to be themselves, and not to be Oprah; she already had that one taken. It is good practice to admire and be happy for people who have good fortune, but we cannot be them-- we can only be ourselves. I think it takes time to listen to oneself to know who we are. It seems to me that our early familes and experiences in school may cause us to leave parts of ourselves behind; and the path to maturity is remembering those parts and taking them back in. This takes time to be with oneself, time for reflection, time for meditation, walks in nature. And where does one find the time? My son helped me to change my computer so that it is always up and available. We have our cell phones charged. We have turned into a plugged-in socieity. It takes conscious effort and planning to have time for oneself.
Today take 15 minutes to do only and exactly what you want to do. It is in this honoring of self that we reclaim who we are and can express that fully in the world.
I remember hearing Oprah once telling her audience to be themselves, and not to be Oprah; she already had that one taken. It is good practice to admire and be happy for people who have good fortune, but we cannot be them-- we can only be ourselves. I think it takes time to listen to oneself to know who we are. It seems to me that our early familes and experiences in school may cause us to leave parts of ourselves behind; and the path to maturity is remembering those parts and taking them back in. This takes time to be with oneself, time for reflection, time for meditation, walks in nature. And where does one find the time? My son helped me to change my computer so that it is always up and available. We have our cell phones charged. We have turned into a plugged-in socieity. It takes conscious effort and planning to have time for oneself.
Today take 15 minutes to do only and exactly what you want to do. It is in this honoring of self that we reclaim who we are and can express that fully in the world.
Mar 12, 2012
Happiness
"True happiness is sustainable delight in the beautiful moments of ordinary life." Marth Beck
Sometimes amid the frustrations and mishaps, it is hard to practice "sustainable delight", and I am unsure any more if we have an ordinary life or not. Someone who sees Dwane only periodically, said after a recent visit that he "obviously had greatly diminished mental abilitities". Does he? I am trained to observe others' behavior, but with the 24/7 of this caregiving, it is hard for me to be sure of a change in status or if he now has "greatly diminished mental ability". My sister is coming to give me respite, and she is someone I can ask who will tell me the truth. Who do you have in your life who will give you a very candid opinion of the status of well being? Your well being and that of the person for whom you provide care.
Sometimes amid the frustrations and mishaps, it is hard to practice "sustainable delight", and I am unsure any more if we have an ordinary life or not. Someone who sees Dwane only periodically, said after a recent visit that he "obviously had greatly diminished mental abilitities". Does he? I am trained to observe others' behavior, but with the 24/7 of this caregiving, it is hard for me to be sure of a change in status or if he now has "greatly diminished mental ability". My sister is coming to give me respite, and she is someone I can ask who will tell me the truth. Who do you have in your life who will give you a very candid opinion of the status of well being? Your well being and that of the person for whom you provide care.
Mar 11, 2012
Letting Go
"I can see now that the real challenge of surrender, for all of us, is not just letting go --- but letting go of something we yearn for." Mark Nepo
In Mark Nepo's book Awakening he tells of an ancient Chinese story of catching monkeys by hollowing out coconut shells and putting rice in. The monkeys were able to put their hands in the holes in the shells, but could not get them out if they had fisted around a bunch of rice. Nepo likens this story to our own need to let go of things which entrap us in life. I think this is true in the process of caregiving for a spouse; I think I am called to let go of any expectation that I have a partnership, i.e. marriage. This probably seems very obvious to readers, but it is actually an elusive one. In order to release ourselves from our own entrapments, I think we must let go of what we yearn for. And, perhaps that yearning is to look good to others, to fulfill some inner need by our caretaking, to salvage some aspect of our relationship with the care receiver, to avoid change. Whatever is keeping us trapped (and I am not necessarily talking about physical entrapment), we need to realease in order to regain our own freedom. In Mark Nepo's case, he says that what he needed to let go of was wanting his mother's approval. What is it that you need to let go of to be free?
In Mark Nepo's book Awakening he tells of an ancient Chinese story of catching monkeys by hollowing out coconut shells and putting rice in. The monkeys were able to put their hands in the holes in the shells, but could not get them out if they had fisted around a bunch of rice. Nepo likens this story to our own need to let go of things which entrap us in life. I think this is true in the process of caregiving for a spouse; I think I am called to let go of any expectation that I have a partnership, i.e. marriage. This probably seems very obvious to readers, but it is actually an elusive one. In order to release ourselves from our own entrapments, I think we must let go of what we yearn for. And, perhaps that yearning is to look good to others, to fulfill some inner need by our caretaking, to salvage some aspect of our relationship with the care receiver, to avoid change. Whatever is keeping us trapped (and I am not necessarily talking about physical entrapment), we need to realease in order to regain our own freedom. In Mark Nepo's case, he says that what he needed to let go of was wanting his mother's approval. What is it that you need to let go of to be free?
Mar 10, 2012
Four Practices
"And what are the important practices? The four big ones to me are prayer, meditation, forgiveness and gratitude." Marilyn Stortz
I agree. The way to maintain balance and serenity in my life is to be sure that every day has these four practices and exercise. I start my day, before Dwane is up, in these four practices. I do better in life in general, and in caregiving, if I am faithful to these practices. I have also added within these practices some body tapping that I learned from a wonderful practioner. Jack Canfield has a book about to come out that explains body tapping for anyone interested. These practices, along with good nutrition and some added fun, make a solid foundation to my daily life. Even when I have dreams which are upsetting and which feature someone who has hurt me in life, I immediately - upon awakening and remembering the dream - practice forgiveness toward the peson who hurt me and toward myself for allowing that hurt. It makes an amazing difference in the quality of my life when I am faithful to these practices.
I agree. The way to maintain balance and serenity in my life is to be sure that every day has these four practices and exercise. I start my day, before Dwane is up, in these four practices. I do better in life in general, and in caregiving, if I am faithful to these practices. I have also added within these practices some body tapping that I learned from a wonderful practioner. Jack Canfield has a book about to come out that explains body tapping for anyone interested. These practices, along with good nutrition and some added fun, make a solid foundation to my daily life. Even when I have dreams which are upsetting and which feature someone who has hurt me in life, I immediately - upon awakening and remembering the dream - practice forgiveness toward the peson who hurt me and toward myself for allowing that hurt. It makes an amazing difference in the quality of my life when I am faithful to these practices.
Mar 9, 2012
Finding the right doctor
"A positive relationship with your doctor can make you healthier." University of Iowa psychologist Alan Christensen, Ph.D.
It is important that we find doctors who will respect our needs as caregivers as well as the needs of the care receivers. Of course, we will want our own doctors who support our own health too, but even the ones that are primarily for the care receiver need to support our needs too. The psychiatrist at Mayo who made the definitive diagnosis of Lewy Bodies Dementia with Dwane was able to do so because he listened to me describe the symptoms. People who have dementia are not accurate reporters of their symptoms or their behaviors. The caregiver is the person who can describe those, and we - as caregivers - need to find doctors who will give credence to what we say is happening in daily life. We need to feel respected and heard by the doctor. In that way, the needs of the care receiver and our needs are both met. I think it is important that we not settle for less than that.
It is important that we find doctors who will respect our needs as caregivers as well as the needs of the care receivers. Of course, we will want our own doctors who support our own health too, but even the ones that are primarily for the care receiver need to support our needs too. The psychiatrist at Mayo who made the definitive diagnosis of Lewy Bodies Dementia with Dwane was able to do so because he listened to me describe the symptoms. People who have dementia are not accurate reporters of their symptoms or their behaviors. The caregiver is the person who can describe those, and we - as caregivers - need to find doctors who will give credence to what we say is happening in daily life. We need to feel respected and heard by the doctor. In that way, the needs of the care receiver and our needs are both met. I think it is important that we not settle for less than that.
Mar 8, 2012
International Women's Day
"Perfection is boring and doesn't exist -- to strive for it makes you uninteresting." Eva Mendes
Since studies show that most caregivers are women, let us today celebrate all women. Where would we be without those special women in our lives who mentored, loved, or challenged us? Women come in all sizes and shapes, with differing personalities and temperaments; but together we can create a type of sisterhood. One in which we disavow competition, and instead provide and receive unconditional support. I believe the world would be a different place if women were thus empowered by each other. Let it begin with us.
Since studies show that most caregivers are women, let us today celebrate all women. Where would we be without those special women in our lives who mentored, loved, or challenged us? Women come in all sizes and shapes, with differing personalities and temperaments; but together we can create a type of sisterhood. One in which we disavow competition, and instead provide and receive unconditional support. I believe the world would be a different place if women were thus empowered by each other. Let it begin with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)