Making Way For Good"

1. 

   "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
   
   

   This is a good thing to remember when things seem to be falling apart in our lives -- it is not a guarantee, but it does seem that sometimes things change in order to make room for even better circumstances.  As caregivers, things change for us dramatically.  The spouse that was once a spouse is not any longer, or the parent who was a parent is not any longer.  When we lose the qualities that made the person who he or she was, that is a tremendous loss; and it is very hard to think something better could come out of this.  But, actually, I catch glimpses of that.  My once resistant, combative spouse (I am sure now that those reactions were out of fear from the changes he was experiencing and expecting.) is now sweet, congenial.  He tires easily.  He is no longer interested in the news, so we talk, instead, about whatever is the content of his hallucinations. He still enjoys the treats others send or I bring.  Changes and yet consistency.

Making Plans

1. 

   "Plans are useless; but planning is invaluable." Winston Churchill
   
   

   This seems an appropriate state of mind for caregivers.  We need to plan for the welfare of our loved one and our self -- knowing all along that we have absolutely no control over the course of this devastating illness.  I know we are in the end stages of dementia, but what does that mean as far as time?  I have no idea, and that is the way life is.  I need to plan for what is next by observing what is now.  His needs will change and evolve, and the medical staff and I will respond to those new levels of needs.  

Purpose of Life Challenges

1. 

   "The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the human perfected without trials." Chinese proverb
   
   

   That does seem to be the way the universe is set up -- that we humans are perfected by our trials.  I have thought for a long time that people either get bitter or better for enduring the challenges that life presents.  I have seen both responses, and the bitter people do much damage to themselves.  Far better to look for the lesson, purpose or opportunity within each challenge.  Recently I resigned from an activity that brought me much satisfaction, but I knew that it was in the best interest of myself and others if I stepped down.  Then I needed to go through the necessary "in between" time, where it felt like nothing purposeful was left for me to do.  Having weathered and honored that "in between" time I am now coming out the other side with opportunities presenting themselves to me in ways I can provide service that are meaningful to me and that I can do while also being caregiver.  We are honed by our life's trials -- if we choose to be.  

Is There Purpose In Crisis?

1. 

   "Perhaps the purpose in crisis, if there is one, is not to break us as much as to break us open." Mark Nepo
   
   

   Humans have long pondered the purpose of crisis and trauma.  Whole books have been written about why bad things happen to good people.  It seems that Mark Nepo hits at the truth of it -- if there is a purpose in crisis, then it is to break us open; not to break us.  I wonder sometimes why dementia descended on the good man I married.  He does not deserve it, but - then - perhaps no one deserves the "bad" things that happen to them.  Perhaps it is best to just not take it personally.  Bad things do seem to happen in this universe.  Perhaps it is better to consider in what ways we need to be broken open and allow that to happen by the crisis of caregiving.

A Long Road

1. 

   "Two roads diverged in the woods, and I, I took the one less traveled by -- and that has made all the difference."  Robert Frost
   
   

   To do the task of caregiving graciously is to take the road less traveled.  It takes patience, compassion, love, honor of self and the other, wisdom to make the right decisions, energy to do all the tasks we are asked to do -- and then to do all of this with graciousness.  Yesterday when I was with my loved one, he was telling me that he had been counting money -- that his uncle had sent $10,000, and he wanted to divide it fairly between his sister, Calamity Jane, the girl who found the money, and the man at the post office.  So, I helped him figure how much each would get when divided equally.  It seemed a relief to him to have this "figured out".  The hallucinations that accompany Lewy Bodies Dementia are fascinating, if one can look at them that way.  

   
   

   As caregivers we are on a very long road, and - if we choose to do it graciously, we are on a road less traveled.  It is so good to have the companionship of you readers to help along the way.  

Avoiding Over Involvement

1. 

   "To allow yourself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.  The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his or her work for peace." Tomas Merton
   
   

   As caregivers we have the real challenge of not surrendering to too many demands.  I discussed with a friend yesterday the many tasks that caregivers have.  Now I have not only all the inside of the house work, but the outside too, and the financial/business ones as well.  We used to pay bills together and make financial decisions together.  As caregivers we are probably doing these alone, in addition to all the responsibilities of another person's life.  I never take for granted that responsibility.  It is a tremendous responsibility to make decisions on another person's behalf, and - as caregivers - I think we need to make sure that is the basis of our decisions -- the welfare of the loved one -- while also keeping an eye on not burdening our own life.  A delicate balance.  

How to Avoid Getting Sick

1. 

   "Some research suggests that taking a preventive zinc supplement can protect you from coming down with a cold.  If you do get sick, one or two zinc lozenges at the first sign could shorten the length of your suffering. But don't over do it:  taking too much can cause permanent loss of smell in some people." Mount Sinai Hospital, NYC
   
   

   Other tips for staying well include regular house cleaning with products that have flu-fighting properties (Clorox, Pine-Sol, Mr. Clean are 3 of the 500 listed at epa.gov).  Making sure you do not drink more than 1 or 2 (2 for men and 1 for women) alcoholic drinks per day, as more than that suppresses the swallowing reflex, which can result in germs from your mouth entering your airway.  If you do get sick, humming helps loosen mucus that accumulates in airways.  Ask for an antiviral if your symptoms are serious.