"Revelation: An act of revealing, especially a dramatic disclosure of something not previously known or realized." American Heritage Dictionary
It has occurred to me this week that a large part of my stress has been setting up support systems and intended-respite for myself and then trying to get Dwane to cooperate with what I have set up. Respected sources recommend that the caregiver does not discuss these things, just sets them up, and leaves. And I am sure that works with some types of dementia and some people who are caregivers; but it was not working for me. A large part of my stress was from being secretive and then worrying if I could get Dwane to go along with it. So, I tried a different approach yesterday. I told Dwane that I am going to see my grandson, and that ethically I needed to ensure I was leaving him in a safe environment. Then I gave him two choices: he could have someone come in that we paid or he could go for a few days to a room within an assisted living setting. He was, as I expected, opposed and insisted he could stay alone - even though he does not drive, cook or handle emergencies. But I was very firm and told him that if he wants to remain at home, it can only be with my getting regular breaks monthly. He has two days to make his choice. Please hold us in your good thoughts, and I will let you know how this new approach works.
Sep 30, 2011
Sep 29, 2011
Cultivating spirituality
"You can be spiritual by reflecting on your own life and its purpose, and connecting it to something larger than yourself, whether through religious worship, art, music or the natural world." Mayo Clinic Health Newsletter.
Finding meaning in life seems to be a timeless goal for humanity. Many find that meaning through religion, but it can also be found through determining a purpose for your life and following that purpose. Although I was raised in a particular religion, for which I am grateful -- for its foundation, I would now consider myself more spiritual than religious. For me, determining God's plan for my life and living up to that plan are paramount. Finding meaning in my life is part of my orientation. Recently I said to a friend that I wanted to learn what was here for me to learn from encountering caregiving for dementia in my life. She said that she did not think we were here to learn something. It does not matter which of us is right, or if either of us is. Part of my orientation is to learn from my experiences and become a better person because of the learning. It helps me have meaning in my life.
Finding meaning in life seems to be a timeless goal for humanity. Many find that meaning through religion, but it can also be found through determining a purpose for your life and following that purpose. Although I was raised in a particular religion, for which I am grateful -- for its foundation, I would now consider myself more spiritual than religious. For me, determining God's plan for my life and living up to that plan are paramount. Finding meaning in my life is part of my orientation. Recently I said to a friend that I wanted to learn what was here for me to learn from encountering caregiving for dementia in my life. She said that she did not think we were here to learn something. It does not matter which of us is right, or if either of us is. Part of my orientation is to learn from my experiences and become a better person because of the learning. It helps me have meaning in my life.
Sep 28, 2011
Practicing optimism
"Look for the positive, count your blessings, forgive, savor good times and simple pleasures, and practice kindness." Mayo Clinic Health Letter
Another way to develop resiliency so that we are better able to handle adversity is by being optimistic. It is really true. It seems in my observation that when people dwell on negative, more negative occurs; and conversely; when people dwell on the positive, more positive occurs. This does not mean we can stop bad things from happening, but even such a simple example as how you wake up in the morning. Have you ever noticed that if you wake up cheerful, the day often goes better? While if you wake up irritable, things seem to go downhill from there.
What are some things we can savor? Right now for me: the abundance of fall produce, the exquisite colors of the deciduous trees, the lovely days and cool nights. And, in practicing kindness, let us put ourselves at the top of the list. Let us practice being kind to ourselves, and then kindness to others more naturally happens.
Another way to develop resiliency so that we are better able to handle adversity is by being optimistic. It is really true. It seems in my observation that when people dwell on negative, more negative occurs; and conversely; when people dwell on the positive, more positive occurs. This does not mean we can stop bad things from happening, but even such a simple example as how you wake up in the morning. Have you ever noticed that if you wake up cheerful, the day often goes better? While if you wake up irritable, things seem to go downhill from there.
What are some things we can savor? Right now for me: the abundance of fall produce, the exquisite colors of the deciduous trees, the lovely days and cool nights. And, in practicing kindness, let us put ourselves at the top of the list. Let us practice being kind to ourselves, and then kindness to others more naturally happens.
Sep 27, 2011
Looking forward
"Having something to look forward to can help motivate you to stay engaged with life, refocus your thoughts away from your troubles and give you hope." Mayo Clinic Health Letter
This is an extremely important thing for me in developing resiliency. If I look too much at Dwane's decline and the tediousness of our daily lives, I lose hope. If I have nothing to look forward to, I lose hope and become mired in the hopelessness of living with a terminal, progressive disease. One of the hardest things about living with dementia is that the person is no longer the person with whom we originally had a relationship. Someone said to me recently that Dwane would want me to take care of my own life and health. Hmmmmm. Would he? It has been so long since he has shown an interest in me, my welfare or my life that I cannot remember accurately if it ever happened. So, I cannot count on the person with dementia to create something for me to look forward to. I must create things in my own life to look forward to. Right now that something is going to see my grandson race and to be with my children. Still weeks away, but something I can anticipate with joy.
This is an extremely important thing for me in developing resiliency. If I look too much at Dwane's decline and the tediousness of our daily lives, I lose hope. If I have nothing to look forward to, I lose hope and become mired in the hopelessness of living with a terminal, progressive disease. One of the hardest things about living with dementia is that the person is no longer the person with whom we originally had a relationship. Someone said to me recently that Dwane would want me to take care of my own life and health. Hmmmmm. Would he? It has been so long since he has shown an interest in me, my welfare or my life that I cannot remember accurately if it ever happened. So, I cannot count on the person with dementia to create something for me to look forward to. I must create things in my own life to look forward to. Right now that something is going to see my grandson race and to be with my children. Still weeks away, but something I can anticipate with joy.
Sep 26, 2011
Cultivating healthy social connections
"Make relationships a priority, whether it's maintaining ties to family or friends, or by participating in a social or religious group." Mayo Clinic Health Letter
Hard to do when one is providing 24/7 caregiving, and I find that I tend to isolate when feeling stressed -- so that adds to the problem. For me it is very important to note "healthy" social connections. We all know people who keep very busy, but may not have a priority on having healthy relationships. I find that with the stress of caregiving, I cannot be around people who are negative and complain or gossip. I just cannot do it. My equanimity is fragile enough without adding people who focus on a lot of drama in their lives. Some people find comfort in support groups for caregivers. I have only gone once, and the entire program was on little games I could contrive to play with the person with dementia. I don't have time or the interest in establishing little games for him to play! I am too busy paying bills, making and transporting to medical appointments, ordering and dispensing medications, etc., etc. But, I will entertain the idea that the meeting I attended might have been a fluke, and that there are meetings out there to support the caregiver; not give her/him more to do. Preparing this blog makes me realize that I want to make healthy relationships more of a priority in my life.
Hard to do when one is providing 24/7 caregiving, and I find that I tend to isolate when feeling stressed -- so that adds to the problem. For me it is very important to note "healthy" social connections. We all know people who keep very busy, but may not have a priority on having healthy relationships. I find that with the stress of caregiving, I cannot be around people who are negative and complain or gossip. I just cannot do it. My equanimity is fragile enough without adding people who focus on a lot of drama in their lives. Some people find comfort in support groups for caregivers. I have only gone once, and the entire program was on little games I could contrive to play with the person with dementia. I don't have time or the interest in establishing little games for him to play! I am too busy paying bills, making and transporting to medical appointments, ordering and dispensing medications, etc., etc. But, I will entertain the idea that the meeting I attended might have been a fluke, and that there are meetings out there to support the caregiver; not give her/him more to do. Preparing this blog makes me realize that I want to make healthy relationships more of a priority in my life.
Sep 25, 2011
Managing stress
"Managing your response to day-to-day stressors may include learning relaxation techniqus such as deep breathing or meditation, or other mind and body practices such as yoga and tai chi." Mayo Clinic Health Letter.
I would also add prayer, deep breathing, a positive attitude. Stress is a part of our daily lives as dementia caregivers; some days more so than others. It is not Dwane's difficulty with comprehension, reasoning, and judgment that cause me the most angst. It is his belligerence, his extreme defensiveness, his inability to see his part in what he causes to go wrong (i.e., it is not the tv remote, or the telephone, or the clock -- it is his inability to use these devices.) Part of his dementia is complete inability to see his lack of functioning as the cause of not being able to do something. That is so frustrating for me, as it seems so reasonable just to try another way rather than blame the device, but that is not within his repertoire any more. So, how do I handle it? I make devices he might use as simple as possible, and I try not to listen to his complaining -- which is not only irrational; it is frustrating for me.
I would also add prayer, deep breathing, a positive attitude. Stress is a part of our daily lives as dementia caregivers; some days more so than others. It is not Dwane's difficulty with comprehension, reasoning, and judgment that cause me the most angst. It is his belligerence, his extreme defensiveness, his inability to see his part in what he causes to go wrong (i.e., it is not the tv remote, or the telephone, or the clock -- it is his inability to use these devices.) Part of his dementia is complete inability to see his lack of functioning as the cause of not being able to do something. That is so frustrating for me, as it seems so reasonable just to try another way rather than blame the device, but that is not within his repertoire any more. So, how do I handle it? I make devices he might use as simple as possible, and I try not to listen to his complaining -- which is not only irrational; it is frustrating for me.
Sep 24, 2011
Physical activity and diet
"Challenging your body with daily exercise and eating a healthy, plant-based diet help bolster your resiliency by improving your physical strength, stamina, mood and mental health -- and by reducing your risk of many diseases," Mayo Clinic Health Letter
I can always know when I am overly stressed or overly busy because exercise falls out of my daily schedule. I have always been an avid exerciser, although it has taken different forms over the years: running, aerobics, swimming laps, biking, hiking. Right now I walk/run 2-3 miles a day, but I missed 2 days this week -- so I know I am overly busy -- which leads me to being overly stressed. I exercise because I love it, and for the health benefit, but perhaps even more so for the peace of mind it provides me. I sleep better, I feel better, my body feels better; when I have purposeful movement in my day. Yesterday I met two other women walking on the trail I use, and one of them commented how blessed I was to have this trail so close to my home to use it every day. I agree, and I intend to use it until snow covers it over.
I can always know when I am overly stressed or overly busy because exercise falls out of my daily schedule. I have always been an avid exerciser, although it has taken different forms over the years: running, aerobics, swimming laps, biking, hiking. Right now I walk/run 2-3 miles a day, but I missed 2 days this week -- so I know I am overly busy -- which leads me to being overly stressed. I exercise because I love it, and for the health benefit, but perhaps even more so for the peace of mind it provides me. I sleep better, I feel better, my body feels better; when I have purposeful movement in my day. Yesterday I met two other women walking on the trail I use, and one of them commented how blessed I was to have this trail so close to my home to use it every day. I agree, and I intend to use it until snow covers it over.
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