Caregiving with Right Motive

"to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and codependence.  In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can even assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune . . . ."  Mark Nepo

As caregivers, we can become so enmeshed in the act of caregiving that we think the other person's way of being in the world is our responsibility.  I would suggest that - even with dementia - we are not responsible for the other person's way of being in the world.  We are, perhaps, responsible for his or her safety, for providing an environment that will meet the increasing needs of the person with dementia, but we are not responsible for their happiness.  In my experience, the person with dementia will try to convince us we are responsible for his/her happiness, but we are not.  To think we are is what Mark Nepo is calling negative self-centeredness.  We are responsible for only our own happiness.  We can contribute to others' happiness, but we have no control over how they choose to see things.  Yes, of course, having dementia is a difficult path --- both for the person with dementia and the person (s) caring for the person with dementia.  Let us not make it more difficult by assuming responsibility for the other's way of being in the world.