Letting Go of the Past

1. 

   "Don't let your history dictate your destiny." Bishop T. D. Jakes
   
   

   As humans, we are so governed by our beliefs -- many of which are limiting, as well as unconscious.  What if part of life's purpose is to dismantle those beliefs, let them go, and not be dictated by them or any past story we have about our lives.  Do we think we are not good at math because of some experience we had in school?  Let us consider, instead, that we had a teacher who was unable to teach in the unique way we needed to learn.  Whatever limiting beliefs we have, let us choose to let them go.  They are not us.  

Acting Out of Love

1. 

   "Deep in the center of my being there is a deep well of love." Louise Hay
   
   

   What is at the center of your being?  One way to tell is to notice, when one is not trying to manage one's thoughts, what is the content of your thoughts.  If the content of your thoughts is love, then love is at the center of your being.  If it is anger at someone, then anger is at the center of your being.  If it is worry about the future, then worry is at the center of your being.  If it is gratitude for all the good in your life, then gratitude is at the center of your being.  Our random and continuous thoughts reflect the center of our lives. That is one reason it is important to manage one's thoughts and to think of positive and healthy things.

Life's Journey

1. 

   "I am sure that there is much that we can learn and forgive due to the ongoing state of gradual evolving wisdom we amass on this journey of unexpected change and readjustment." Herracia Brewer
   
   

   Wow, what a lot in one sentence.  Yes, there is much we can learn and forgive in our lifetimes because we access wisdom  because of the unexpected changes and readjustments life causes us to make.  The quote may sum up what life is all about.  What does that have to do with caregiving?  None of us expected to be caregiving someone -- so that is very much an unexpected change in our lives which causes us to adjust what we are doing and what we thought our life was all about.  In that process of adjusting, perhaps there are things to forgive and certainly there are things to learn.  Yesterday I learned from a friend who is an OT (occupational therapist) that there are trays that can be put on wheelchairs to prevent people from falling out of them.  I am grateful for all the wisdom that abounds to help us with the task of caregiving.

Happy Thanksgiving

"The deepest and simplist way to make who we are at one with the world is through the kinship of gratitude."  Mark Nepo

More and more research tells us that having an attitude of gratitude is essentially for health.  Our body, mind and soul are made better by looking for the good in life and being grateful for it.  A wonderful practice is to consider, several times a day, what there is in your life about which to be grateful.  Today I am grateful that I have a granddaughter and her family living close enough to me so I can enjoy and really get to know and love her. I am grateful for clean air and water, I am grateful for health, I am grateful for the care and financial resources available to take care of my loved one.  What are you grateful for today?  

Self Compassion

"I have just three things to teach:  simplicity, patience, compassion.  These are your greatest treasures.  Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world."Lao Tzu

As caregivers, we are called to give much compassion toward our loved one.  The person we may forget to be compassionate toward is ourselves.  It is critical that we are compassionate with ourselves.  We simply cannot be compassionate toward another unless we are compassionate toward ourselves.  When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we benefit the whole world.  We are all interconnected energetically -- much like the grove of aspen trees, which seem -- as one looks out across a meadow with aspens -- to be separate; but, when one looks underground, one sees the vast network of the one root supporting all the trees.  So, too, with us.  We are interconnected energetically, and when we are compassionate toward ourselves, we are a blessing onto the world.

Insight

"Insight comes, more often than not, from looking at what's been on the table all along."
David McCullough

Insight is an interesting thing.  I find that when I am relaxed and not feeling stressed, insight happens naturally.  I will -- seemingly out of the clear, blue sky -- have an insight about something that has been "on the table all along".  Perhaps it takes another life lesson, or just-the-right-thing being said by another, or the combination of ideas never considered before.  Insight into ourselves, our lives, our situations is optimal - even necessary, for happiness and well being.  Otherwise, we fall prey to staying stuck in the same-old behavior patterns.  What is the most recent insight you have had?

Honoring the Ordinary

"Older now, you find holiness in anything that continues." Naomi Shihab Nye

So often in life, I think, we are looking for the next peak experience.  Much of our lives can seem like the doldrums, and we can fall into the habit of trying to "just get through it".  I think it is important to resist this; because, after all, that means we are falling asleep to our lives.  What if we chose to come here to live so that we could love and be loved?  Would the way you lead your life be different if you were to consider that possibility?  There are many possibilities to consider regarding why we are here.  Why not consider one that supports your highest health and well being?

Change is Inevitable

1. 

   "Nothing endures but change." Heraclitus
   
   

   How true.  We humans seem to buy possessions, stay in jobs or relationships, use products to extend our youth -- but nothing endures but change.  We are going through a period with my loved one of more falling.  He no longer walks at all, but he will attempt to stand from his wheelchair and end up falling because his legs no longer hold him.  Abrasions and bruises are the result.  There does not seem to be much we can do about the falling.  The nursing home now has his bed very low to the floor with a foam pad beside it -- in case he falls out of bed.  Another change in the evolution of this debilitating disease.  

To Their Credit

To their credit -- the nursing home -- the administrator listened to my concerns and put in immediate changes.  Yesterday when I went, he was at his meal, and the area he eats in had more staff and more interaction.  The seating had been changed, so that no one was seated alone.  I also requested more positive engagement.  She took ideas from me for what he would like, and I believe they will be implemented.  The concerning thing still:  he has been in the facility only since June, and this is the 3rd time I have had to speak up for his needs.  So, other caregivers, it appears that the task of advocacy is ours for the duration.  Too bad we cannot just relax and assume the facility we are paying will give the care we want and our loved one deserves.  

Being Positive Can Lengthen Life

1. 

   Be positive: You'll live longer, Life coach Dhani Jones 

   There is considerable research which supports what is said above.  Optimism is an elixir for life.  Pessimism and negativity are drainers of life.  Depression, which some have called 'anger turned inward', is another drainer of life.  If you are depressed (and depression is common among caregivers), I recommend that you seek help with therapy and/or medication.  Actually, research indicates that a combination of therapy and medication has the best results.  If you do not have depression, but just have the habit of negativity, then I recommend you stop it.  Yes, simply choose to look for the positive -- it is as simple as that.  Not necessarily easy, but simple.  

Advocacy

1. 

   Do you, like I do, consider what might the consequences be when you speak up and advocate for your loved one?  Having worked in systems, I do know that sometimes there are consequences; but usually conditions are improved -- not just for the person for whom we advocate, but for everyone.  What I have asked for with the missed-meal situation is a review of the policy or process.  I do not think it was the aides' fault; I think it is a policy problem.  So, having spoken up, I feel I have done the right thing by my loved one, and I will see how they respond.  It is always informative for me if they get defensive, since that is a poor position from which to respond by a mental health standard.  The last time I spoke up the reaction was defensiveness, but -- as caregivers -- we cannot let that stop us.  Part of our responsibility is to see that our loved one receives compassionate and appropriate care.  

Compassion

1. 

   "The dew of compassion is a tear." Lord Byron
   
   

   There are many occasions for tears for those who are caregivers.  Yesterday when I visited my loved one, I knew I was right at meal time, so I went to where he eats.  He was not there.  His food was there congealing at his place at the table.  When I asked where he was, staff ran to get him and apologized.  But this is not the first time he has apparently been overlooked.  There was no one there yesterday with whom I could discuss this, so I will contact them today.  

   
   

   When the assisted living facility gave me notice they could not meet his needs any more, I looked at nursing homes within a 70-mile radius.  This is one of the better ones.  And, still. , , , , ,      Darn I hate this.

Life is Unfolding as It Should

1. 

   "There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths." Mark Nepo
   
   

   What if it is true that we cannot make a wrong decision?  I think that may actually be correct.  It seems that God or the Universe or whatever word you use for the benevolent energy of the universe, does bring right outcomes out of every decision we make.  That does not mean that it will always be easy.  But, when I have made a decision based on what I think is in the best interest of all involved, it always has brought blessings to me.  Unexpected, but not wrong.

Diwali

1. 

   
   

   1. The festival spiritually signifies the victory of light over darkness, knowledge over ignorance, good over evil, ... Diwali

   Last night I went with a friend to a local Diwali celebration.  I had never been to anything that represented the Hindu faith, and it was fascinating.  It has always been important to me to experience and try to understand other faith expressions, since our religion is really chosen mostly by the circumstances of our birth.  The dancing was lovely, the celebration of fireworks, the food.  When was the last time you experienced something that was outside your tradition?

Impermanence of Life

1. 

   "Only when we can accept that we are fragile guests on this Earth, only then will we be at home wherever we are." Mark Nepo
   
   

   Life is impermanent.  We are reminded of that daily as caregivers.  The almost-daily decline of physical life is evident before us.  With the inclement weather some of us in the northern hemisphere are experiencing, we are also reminded of the fragility of life.  Summer has gone.  Fall is abruptly replaced by winter.  So, too, will our own bodies decline and pass away.  It is the natural order of things.  We could be sad about that, . .. . or we can use that knowledge to live more fully in the present moment.  Today let us take some time to look around, take some deep breaths, and appreciate the life we get to live.  

Being True to Who We Are

It is challenging for most of us humans to remain true to ourselves.  From early childhood our behaviors are shaped to "fit in" and be appropriate.  While this is the natural process for civilization, it can cause us to become separate from who we really are.  If this message from A Course in Miracles is right, then it is impossible to become separate from who we truly are.  Even with the tasks of caregiving that can be so overwhelming, we can stop periodically to ask ourselves what we really want.  Right now.  What is one small thing we can provide ourselves that we want?  Considering what we want, and delivering it, is one small way to remain true to who we are.

Being True to Oneself

It is challenging for most of us humans to remain true to ourselves.  From early childhood our behaviors are shaped to "fit in" and be appropriate.  While this is the natural process for civilization, it can cause us to become separate from who we really are.  If this message from A Course in Miracles is right, then it is impossible to become separate from who we truly are.  Even with the tasks of caregiving that can be so overwhelming, we can stop periodically to ask ourselves what we really want.  Right now.  What is one small thing we can provide ourselves that we want?  Considering what we want, and delivering it, is one small way to remain true to who we are.

Robin Williams

1. "Williams, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, was also suffering from Lewy Body Dementia, a common but devastating disease “marked by abnormal protein deposits in the brain that disrupt normal function.”  Lewy Body Dementia is often associated with Parkinson’s, and when the dementia is combined with the Parkinson’s medications there can be severe side effects. Family and medical sources told TMZ that they believe Lewy Body Dementia was a key factor in the Williams’ suicide." online news

I was struck by the suicide of Robin Williams, and I wondered at the time if he knew that his Parkinson's diagnosis also had the element of dementia.  News released yesterday says that his diagnosis not only included dementia, but the diagnosis was Lewy Bodies Dementia.  Having watched the ravaging of this disease over the past decade in my loved one, I can definitely understand the action Robin Williams took.  I pray for a cure for this debilitating, humiliating and costly disease.

Robin Williams

1. 

   "Williams, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, was also suffering from Lewy Body Dementia, a common but devastating disease “marked by abnormal protein deposits in the brain that disrupt normal function.”  Lewy Body Dementia is often associated with Parkinson’s, and when the dementia is combined with the Parkinson’s medications there can be severe side effects. Family and medical sources told TMZ that they believe Lewy Body Dementia was a key factor in the Williams’ suicide." online news

I was struck by the suicide of Robin Williams, and I wondered at the time if he knew that his Parkinson's diagnosis also had the element of dementia.  News released yesterday says that his diagnosis not only included dementia, but the diagnosis was Lewy Bodies Dementia.  Having watched the ravaging of this disease over the past decade in my loved one, I can definitely understand the action Robin Williams took.  I pray for a cure for this debilitating, humiliating and costly disease.

Being Present

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   "In the present is the whole of time." Jiddu Krishnamurti
   
   

   So many of us humans are focused on the tasks that need to be done, or ruminating over slights or celebrations from the yesterdays - when all we have is now.  If we truly immerse ourselves in now, it is healing.  In fact, that is where healing can happen - in the present moment.  A technique from the ages for staying present to this moment is noticing our breathing, because we can only breathe right now -- not 10 minutes ago or an hour from now.  While that seems obvious, it often is not the way we lead our lives.  Today let us have the intention of being present to what is before us right now.  

Looking for Good Experiences

"You are the owner of all that you perceive. But you can't perceive apart from your vibration. Feel your way, little-by-little, into a greater sense of abundance by looking for the treasures that the Universe is offering you on a day-to-day basis."  ---Abraham

There is growing evidence that we experience what we are looking for -- it is not an absolute because we will still have unpleasant experiences occasionally, but - to a large degree - if we are looking for the good in ourselves, in others and in life in general -- that is what we will experience.  Where is our focus?  Is it on the restrictions and limitations of life --- or is it on the abundance of all good things in life?  This can be a tricky difference, and one good way to tell what we are focused on is how we think of our bodies.  Our bodies are beautiful, wondrous and have served us so very well.  Do we focus on those facts or on perceptions of deficits?  Notice how you are thinking when you are just idly thinking.  Those unconscious thoughts will reveal our focus.  

Ponderings

• 1. 

     "Take a day to heal from the lies you have told yourself, and the ones that have been told to you." Maya Angelou
     
     

     We are told things that are misleading -- the stories that have been passed down in our culture, the remarks that others have made to us that have erroneously shaped our self image, the beliefs that we downloaded that do not fit us.  As we go through life, one task is to dismantle these misconceptions, and to come to love ourselves and others.  It is such a rare gift to be born a human.  Let us make the most of it.  

The Test of Smell

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   The ability to smell is associated with the first cranial nerve and is often one of the first things to be affected in cognitive decline," reads this release from the University of Florida. 
   

Interesting new evidence for testing for dementia.  I remember that my loved one's smell was  significantly diminished in the years before we knew of the diagnosis of dementia.  It may just be another way we can know when something serious is going on within the body.  The body/mind are so connected -- it makes sense that we can notice one of the senses along with the signs of cognitive difficulties -- since they are so closely connected.

Listening to the Silence

To be in the silence is a gift.  It seems that in our modern lives we may not take enough time for silence.  Autumn is a wonderful time to spend some time in nature in silence.  In silence we can get to know and honor our true self.  Silence is solace for the soul.  

Being Grateful

Being grateful is the path to many ways of being:  good health, good mental health, positive outcomes, good relationships.  Who wants to be around an Eeyore?  So many people are focused on the negative -- even when they think they are focused on the positive.  In talking about one's health, do you focus on how well your body is working, or on its minuscule flaws.  Do you focus on the freedoms we enjoy, or the troubles in the system?  Do you focus on the blessings in your relationships, or on the shortcomings?  In my experience, it is a daily practice to focus on the good in our lives.  What is going really well in your life today?

Making Way For Good"

1. 

   "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
   
   

   This is a good thing to remember when things seem to be falling apart in our lives -- it is not a guarantee, but it does seem that sometimes things change in order to make room for even better circumstances.  As caregivers, things change for us dramatically.  The spouse that was once a spouse is not any longer, or the parent who was a parent is not any longer.  When we lose the qualities that made the person who he or she was, that is a tremendous loss; and it is very hard to think something better could come out of this.  But, actually, I catch glimpses of that.  My once resistant, combative spouse (I am sure now that those reactions were out of fear from the changes he was experiencing and expecting.) is now sweet, congenial.  He tires easily.  He is no longer interested in the news, so we talk, instead, about whatever is the content of his hallucinations. He still enjoys the treats others send or I bring.  Changes and yet consistency.

Making Plans

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   "Plans are useless; but planning is invaluable." Winston Churchill
   
   

   This seems an appropriate state of mind for caregivers.  We need to plan for the welfare of our loved one and our self -- knowing all along that we have absolutely no control over the course of this devastating illness.  I know we are in the end stages of dementia, but what does that mean as far as time?  I have no idea, and that is the way life is.  I need to plan for what is next by observing what is now.  His needs will change and evolve, and the medical staff and I will respond to those new levels of needs.  

Purpose of Life Challenges

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   "The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the human perfected without trials." Chinese proverb
   
   

   That does seem to be the way the universe is set up -- that we humans are perfected by our trials.  I have thought for a long time that people either get bitter or better for enduring the challenges that life presents.  I have seen both responses, and the bitter people do much damage to themselves.  Far better to look for the lesson, purpose or opportunity within each challenge.  Recently I resigned from an activity that brought me much satisfaction, but I knew that it was in the best interest of myself and others if I stepped down.  Then I needed to go through the necessary "in between" time, where it felt like nothing purposeful was left for me to do.  Having weathered and honored that "in between" time I am now coming out the other side with opportunities presenting themselves to me in ways I can provide service that are meaningful to me and that I can do while also being caregiver.  We are honed by our life's trials -- if we choose to be.  

Is There Purpose In Crisis?

1. 

   "Perhaps the purpose in crisis, if there is one, is not to break us as much as to break us open." Mark Nepo
   
   

   Humans have long pondered the purpose of crisis and trauma.  Whole books have been written about why bad things happen to good people.  It seems that Mark Nepo hits at the truth of it -- if there is a purpose in crisis, then it is to break us open; not to break us.  I wonder sometimes why dementia descended on the good man I married.  He does not deserve it, but - then - perhaps no one deserves the "bad" things that happen to them.  Perhaps it is best to just not take it personally.  Bad things do seem to happen in this universe.  Perhaps it is better to consider in what ways we need to be broken open and allow that to happen by the crisis of caregiving.

A Long Road

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   "Two roads diverged in the woods, and I, I took the one less traveled by -- and that has made all the difference."  Robert Frost
   
   

   To do the task of caregiving graciously is to take the road less traveled.  It takes patience, compassion, love, honor of self and the other, wisdom to make the right decisions, energy to do all the tasks we are asked to do -- and then to do all of this with graciousness.  Yesterday when I was with my loved one, he was telling me that he had been counting money -- that his uncle had sent $10,000, and he wanted to divide it fairly between his sister, Calamity Jane, the girl who found the money, and the man at the post office.  So, I helped him figure how much each would get when divided equally.  It seemed a relief to him to have this "figured out".  The hallucinations that accompany Lewy Bodies Dementia are fascinating, if one can look at them that way.  

   
   

   As caregivers we are on a very long road, and - if we choose to do it graciously, we are on a road less traveled.  It is so good to have the companionship of you readers to help along the way.  

Avoiding Over Involvement

1. 

   "To allow yourself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence.  The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his or her work for peace." Tomas Merton
   
   

   As caregivers we have the real challenge of not surrendering to too many demands.  I discussed with a friend yesterday the many tasks that caregivers have.  Now I have not only all the inside of the house work, but the outside too, and the financial/business ones as well.  We used to pay bills together and make financial decisions together.  As caregivers we are probably doing these alone, in addition to all the responsibilities of another person's life.  I never take for granted that responsibility.  It is a tremendous responsibility to make decisions on another person's behalf, and - as caregivers - I think we need to make sure that is the basis of our decisions -- the welfare of the loved one -- while also keeping an eye on not burdening our own life.  A delicate balance.  

How to Avoid Getting Sick

1. 

   "Some research suggests that taking a preventive zinc supplement can protect you from coming down with a cold.  If you do get sick, one or two zinc lozenges at the first sign could shorten the length of your suffering. But don't over do it:  taking too much can cause permanent loss of smell in some people." Mount Sinai Hospital, NYC
   
   

   Other tips for staying well include regular house cleaning with products that have flu-fighting properties (Clorox, Pine-Sol, Mr. Clean are 3 of the 500 listed at epa.gov).  Making sure you do not drink more than 1 or 2 (2 for men and 1 for women) alcoholic drinks per day, as more than that suppresses the swallowing reflex, which can result in germs from your mouth entering your airway.  If you do get sick, humming helps loosen mucus that accumulates in airways.  Ask for an antiviral if your symptoms are serious.