Our Awareness

"We are moving into a time when our awareness is no longer limited to the five senses."
Gary Zukav

Gary Zukav is a spiritual thinker who has continued to take things beyond their previous understood level.  What if it is true that our awareness is no longer limited to the five senses of which we are so familiar:  vision, hearing, tasting, feeling by touch, and smelling?  There are some who think that we can now experience things energetically.  Quantum physics is built on that premise.  We have all experienced a flash of intuition or a sense of deja vu.  Some think that we can be more in touch with our ability to use our intuition.  Do you think it is possible?

Considering Our Beliefs

"If something is not true and we believe it, we will tend to see ourselves and the world through the lens of that belief." Rev. Dr. Jim Lockard

Beliefs are very, very powerful.  Most of the quality of our lives is based on our beliefs, and most of those beliefs are unconscious -- so we are not even aware of what is directing our lives.  Each of us integrated beliefs as we were growing up.  Some of those beliefs are supportive of who we are, and some are very much not.  Being with my siblings sometimes gives me insight into what some of my beliefs are, of which I am unaware.  Beliefs about our role as caregiver can also shape how and what we do in that role.  I had a belief that I could do it --- I could manage taking care of my loved one at home -- and, even, that that was the right thing to do.  I have my daughter to thank and a close friend for helping me see that caring for my loved one at home was killing me.  While it is sad that someone we love has a terminal illness, it is imperative that we not allow that illness to take us too.  As caregivers we are responsible for respectful, appropriate care for our loved one -- in whatever form best suits him/her and us.  

Integrity

"Integrity is the ability to listen to a place inside oneself that doesn't change; even though the life that carries it may change." Rabbi Jonathan Ober-Man

An interesting definition of integrity.  Integrity is something that we, as caregivers, need.  It takes courage and integrity to be a good caregiver.  We will be criticized by other people, usually other family members; and because of that, we need to know what is right for us and for our loved one and not be swayed by the criticisms of others.  Only you know what is best for yourself, and - as caregivers - we are given the task of also figuring out what is best for another person.  For that we need integrity.  For any given decision, let us be in touch with that place inside ourselves from which we can know what is right for us, and then we can find the courage to do it. 

Life Is Good

"Sometimes I go about with pity for myself and all the while Great Winds are carrying me across the sky." Ojibway saying

As caregivers it is easy sometimes to feel sorry for ourselves.  Why me?  Why did this happen to us?  It is normal to question life difficulties, but it is not very helpful.  I once read that better than saying, 'why me?' is to say 'why not me?'.  The point, of course, is that what happens to one person really happens to us all.  And within every challenge is a gift for us.  Have you figured out the gift or gifts for you within the task of caregiving?  For me, part of the gift has been to learn to provide care for him without it destroying me.  Research tells us that 1/3 of us caregivers will die from the stress of doing the task and 1/3 will have their health severely damaged.  The other 1/3 will come out of caregiving better people for having done the task.  Into which third do you want to be?

Abuse in Nursing Homes

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   "There are several different kinds of abuse that may affect older adults. This abuse can take place at care facilities such as nursing homes and assisted livings, as well as in the person’s own home. Being aware of these possibilities can, in some cases, prevent you or your loved ones from experiencing them."  about.com/nursinghomeabusestatistics
   
   

   I have noticed in the last couple weeks bruises on my loved one's hands, and I have asked numerous staff about these bruises.  Last night I had a phone call from an employee of the nursing home, and he has reported to his boss and to the state that he thinks elder abuse has taken place.  God bless him!  Elder abuse is a reality of which we as caregivers need to be aware.  In this case, as I explained to the administrator of the facility, I think my loved one is experiencing visual hallucinations which make him think he is in danger -- while staff can think he is being difficult.  I will get to the bottom of this, and - as I said to the administrator -- I want assurances of training and procedures which prevent it ever happening again.  The sobering thing is that this is one of the best nursing homes in this half of our state.  

Each Day Is a New Beginning

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   "The glory around you is born again each day." The Muppet version of A Christmas Carol
   
   

   Perhaps that is the reason for the day and night -- for sleep -- is to have a clear demarcation so that we know we have a new day.  Yesterday may not have been optimal.  As caregivers, some of our days are not.  But, today is a new day and we can make it -- by our attitude -- into whatever kind of day we want to have.  Actually, my yesterday was very good.  I drove the 2 hours (round trip) to see my loved one and took him a Christmas treat.  He was more alert than usual, but still mostly hallucinating.  It was fun to sit and chat with him within his world as he sees it:  the cat he sees walking across the ball field, which is actually still part of the room where we were.  Then I had my daughter and her family for lunch, and in the evening I gave the sermon at a little church in the area and attended a gathering of friends after.  Yesterday was good.  I intend for today to be even better.   

Merry Christmas

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   "A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." Garrison Keillor
   
   

   That busy holiday season has been here again.  Gifts to buy, packages to wrap and mail, goodies to bake, houses to decorate.  And now Christmas is here.  I hope you take time to enjoy this day and to reflect on what this holiday means.  Christians believe that Jesus heralded peace to all, good will to all humans, light and love to the world.  I recently saw an icon that I just loved.  It was of the Madonna and Child.  Mary holding Jesus, and in his hand is the world, written underneath it says, "I am the light of the universe."  Let the Light of the season enter your home and your heart and have a Blessed Christmas.

Know Thyself

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   "All escape routes were cut off.  I had to move into my own silence and find out who was in there."  Marion Woodman
   
   

   The times of waiting in caregiving --- sometimes I feel as if I am waiting to live my own life -- can be valuable times.  We can use this time to go into the silence and know ourselves better.  Marion Wooman is a Jungian psychologist whose work has impacted me for several decades.  Shakespeare suggested that we be true to ourselves.  To be true to ourselves requires that we know who we are, and perhaps this is possible only in silence.  

Opening to Life

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   "God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open." Hazrat Inayat Khan
   
   

   Some people might not want to think God breaks the heart.  Perhaps, then, it is Life which breaks the heart.  But each of us has our hearts broken again and again.  Not always does having our hearts broken result in the heart staying open; sometimes the heart slams shut in response to the challenges in life.  It is our choice.  To open or to become more closed.  For me betrayals by people I loved or people with whom I worked have served to open my heart more.  Now, it is in the breaking of my heart that I see my loved one struggle with his end of life process.  My choice in this is to let my heart open more and more.  To do otherwise, is to die ourselves, though perhaps not physically.  

Experiencing Life

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   "The world in all its mystery and difficulty cannot be improved upon, only experienced." Taoist belief
   
   

   I agree.  The world in all its mystery and difficulty cannot be improved upon nor changed; it can only be experienced.  That is actually a relief.  When I saw my loved one yesterday, he was not doing as well.  Felt he could not breathe.  Almost panicky.  I called the nurse who took his oxygen levels, and they were good.  So, she decided it must be anxiety, and they chose to give him some medication for that.  It must be terrifying for the people with dementia to know - on some level - that things are so awry.  He also said the people "there" (at the facility) took good care of him, and I was so glad to hear him say that.  It must help him to know they are taking good care of him.
   
   Knowing that we cannot improve upon the world sets us free from tying to change situations beyond our control.  Things like the progression of dementia.  We do better to experience the nuances that accompany that journey, and to help smooth the way for ourselves and our loved one.  

Releasing the Need to Control

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   "Challenging situations can spur drama that diverts my attention.  The tension in my body may restrict the flow of ideas to my brain and love to my heart." Unity
   
   

   We encounter many stressful situations in life, and, certainly, caregiving is one of the greatest.  But, even happy occasions can be stressful.  Think of the stress of weddings.  The key is to remain calm.  I love the quote from the Peanuts column from Lucy, I think, "You are straining my equanimity."  Life and other people can strain our equanimity.  Our task, for our own health and well being, is to remain calm.  We can do this by managing our thoughts toward positive ones, meditating, prayer, practicing gratitude, walks in nature --- any and all things that return us to calmness and the place where we can listen to the guidance available to us all.  

   
   

Honoring Your Creativity

"There is one thing stronger than all the armies of the world, and that is an idea whose time has come." Victor Hugo

We each have good ideas - especially when we are in touch with our center, with the Source of the benevolent energy in the world, but it is truly special to have an idea whose time has come.  Perhaps not all of us will have such ideas, but we certainly are capable of having them.  We might think those ideas come only to notable people of whom we have heard, such as Mother Teresa and her idea of ministering to the poorest of the poor in Calcutta, Nelson Mandela and his idea to seek working together over revenge, Martin Luther King, Jr. who "had a dream" of equality for all, Oprah who had an idea that people would respond to "ah-ha" moments.  We are none of these people, and, yet, we can have ideas whose time has come.  What might your idea be?

Benefit of Errors

"Learning something new? Go ahead and screw up a few times.  Your brain's motor-control center, the cerebellum, has a coaching mechanism that automatically and unconsciously logs - and then learns from - errors, speeding you toward better proficiency." Science magazine

If you, like I did, grew up with some beliefs that one had to be perfect, that mistakes were to be avoided -- even if it meant not trying for something wanted, then this research will be good news for you too.  Mistakes are not only part of being human; we are hardwired to benefit from them.  And, we should have known that all along -- after all, haven't we all watched toddlers learn to walk?  They stumble, they fall, they get up, and they try again.  Let that be true for us too.  Let us try, perhaps fail, get up and try again.  Our brains are hardwired to help us out with doing it right.

Another Use of Honey

"Honey appears to be better for healing canker sores than common drugstore remedies, clearing symptoms in half the time." prevention.com

Just wet a sterile cotton ball and wipe the inflamed area clean, and then put on a swipe of honey.  It appears that the antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory components appear to be the reason for its effectiveness.  Honey is also excellent for healing minor burns, relieving a cough better than popular OTC meds, and when paired with an antibiotic, it even offers hope against MRSA.  The only caution, never give honey to a child under two years of age.  

Caring for Yourself as Caregiver

"The stress, the strain, the gravity of the task of caregiving can level you, but it can be done with compassion and grace and can be a moving and cathartic experience." Jane Gross

As we are in the midst of the traditional holiday season with its stress, let us be particularly careful to monitor our own health, which can be so significantly impacted by caregiving.  Eating right, getting exercise every day, good sleep habits, prayer or meditation to help us be centered in the truth of who we are, having friendships that are supportive and meaningful, and doing things that are fun for us are all so important.  These ways to maintain our health are always important, but even more so during the holiday season.  

Lonely Road

"If you don't like your world, change the thoughts and feelings that are creating it." Jack Boland

Advice we might read over and over in various places, and not so easy to do as the primary, and - often - only caregiver for someone with a terminal illness.  Let's be honest -- it can be lonely, but we can also think of the many people in our lives who support us.  I am not free to attend a holiday function at the nursing home, but my daughter and her family are going in my place.  I am so grateful that she was willing to step in and go.  I am so grateful for the support.  As caregivers, we must accept that we cannot do it all -- without it killing us, and probably not even then.  Where does your support come from?  

Considering What We Believe

"The quantum field must take the form of whatever we believe, just as water takes the shape of its container." Ellen Debenport

Research indicates that most of our behavior is controlled by beliefs of which we are unaware and which do not serve us.  As very young children, we download into our unconscious beliefs from statements and implications from those around us.  Sometimes being with extended family is a gift to better understand what those beliefs might be.  I remember such an occasion once when my father said of one of my siblings when she and her husband used an inheritance to build a new house, "Who does she think she is?!"  I realized then and there that unworthiness for success was something my father had downloaded from his environment, and, of course, then so had I.  Once aware of these beliefs, we can change them.  

Considering What We Hold Dear

"Only that which we hold dear will be strong enough to hold us as we cross into the holy land." Mark Nepo

Nepo is referring to an old myth -- that pilgrims were able to cross a river and enter the holy land only if they contributed what they held dear for the common good of the group.  It seems relevant to the way we lead our lives.  Only when we contribute what we hold dear are we truly impacting life.  How we spend our time, the effort we make towards other people, the talents we develop and share.  We cannot hold onto these things, clutching them to our chests, hoarding them.  Only when given the light and shared are they truly ours and do we, then, truly impact the world around us.

Change your Habits: Change your Life

What can we change in our daily lives that will change the quality of our lives?  Probably many things, but, for sure, the quality of our thoughts.  Also, it would seem, is how we spend our time, which I have been considering again.  I started work again to help offset the cost of my loved one's care, but I feel fragmented, overwhelmed.  So, I am reconsidering.  What is important to me?  Peace of mind and quality time with those I love.  As I consider how I spend the 24 hours I am given each day, I know I will come to a place of balance.  Is your life in balance?  Are you spending time doing what you love?  Is the way you spend your time in alignment with what you value?  Such important questions to consider.  

Changing Our Experience

"It can be very helpful to understand that you do have a point of attraction and that you can control it. And your best opportunity to control it is when you first awaken each morning. It doesn’t take long to transform your point of attraction; 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 days of waking up in nonresistance and then deliberately focusing to maintain your state of lesser and lesser resistance will make a big difference in how you feel and the things that come into your experience. You will begin to receive insight and positive manifestations such as good-feeling emotions and good ideas will begin to flow to you."

---Abraham

This seems like one good way to change one's life circumstances, and it coincides with what psychology tells us -- that it takes about 30 days of doing something for a behavior to become a habit.  More and more people in the spiritual and quantum physics worlds are saying that we largely control our life experiences -- by our beliefs and our attitudes and our thoughts and emotions.  It is well worth our time to consider this way of making our lives better.  

Believing Behavior

"When people show you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou

So many times the people who come for therapy are surprised by another person's behavior -- because that behavior is not matched by words.  For instance, a person might notice that someone is not doing what he or she said they did.  My advice is:  trust the behavior. When behavior and talk are not congruent:  trust the behavior.  That does not mean that we need to write the other person off, but it does mean that we might alter to what extent we want to trust what that person says. What does this have to do with caregiving?  Even with someone with dementia, trust that their behavior is telling you something.  Perhaps they are in pain, or have a urinary tract infection, or are dehydrated, or are anxious.  We can learn much by observing another person's behavior.  

How to Love Well

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
Thomas Merton

We all know of relationships in which one or both people will try to change in the other person the very thing that first attracted them to the other person.  Perhaps we have even been in those types of relationships ourselves.  It is ironic, but it is almost always the things that first attracted us that begin to get under our skin.  The well informed person, who becomes the person who talks too much.  I am sure you know what I mean.  Thomas Merton is right.  The only remedy is to let those people we love be entirely and perfectly themselves.  Truly, that is what we love about them.  And, we can expect the same back.  To be loved well enough that we are loved for our essence, and not for how we can change for the other person.

Uniquely You

"You are the only version of you that this universe will ever know.  This is wonderful and disturbing news.  Wonderful because it speaks to the majesty of Creation, and disturbing because it means that no one else can ever really know your truth." Jim Lockard

We have all heard it before.  Just like there are no two snowflakes exactly alike, so too are there no two humans exactly alike.  This is wonderful because only you can make the difference you make in this world.  Much like the old movie with Jimmy Stewart, life simply would not be the same without you.  Knowing the unique impression we have on life; we can make sure that the difference we make is a positive one (because this is a choice -- whether to be a positive or a negative presence).  And, it is also disturbing that we are unique -- because no one will ever perfectly understand you.  Nor will you perfectly understand someone else.  Since our essence will pass through this life only this once, let's make sure we make the impact we want to and of which we are capable.  Only you - with your unique energy - can make your positive difference with the people in your life.

Cold Sore Remedy

"Lysine is an amino acid (building block of protein).  Lysine seems to prevent the herpes virus from growing." WedMD

I am susceptible to getting cold sores.  I went into a health food store because I was nearer to it than a drugstore or pharmancy, and they recommended Lysine gel applied to the lips.  Using this lysine gel has helped stop a cold sore for me better than any other thing I have ever done.  According to wedMD, a reputable website, lysine seems to be safe to use for short periods.  

It is so useful to share easy, safe remedies for common ailments.  What have you found that works for you?

Happiness as a Goal

"The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness.  Happiness is the goal of every other goal." Deepak Chopra

How happy are you?  Statistics indicate that depression is common among caregivers.  Last week I felt some of the symptoms of depression, and I realized my Vitamin D levels were low again.  Caregiving is stressful.  It is imperative that we are in touch with our own health status and taking steps to preserve it.  Please do not let the disease take both you and your loved one!  Managing our own health is one way to be happy --- it is hard to be happy when we are ill, whether in body or mind.  Arranging events of fun add to happiness, not doing things we do not want to do adds to happiness, having relationships with people who truly care about us adds to happiness, times in nature attribute to happiness.  Let's consider for today that happiness is the purpose of life, and let's choose to be happy.  

Lighten Up

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   "Here is what I want to know:  Can we lighten up a little?" Elizabeth Gilbert
   
   

   Sometimes it may seem, as caregivers, we have the weight of the world and all its problems on our shoulders.  It can seem as if there is nothing funny or light or joyous in the world.  If that is the case, and I believe it will be from time to time for caregivers, then we need to have a break.  A respite from the task of caregiving.  How do you get breaks?  It may seem that if our loved one is in a care facility, then we would have all the breaks we need.  But that is not necessarily true.  We may feel that we need to work to pay for his or her care.  We still are the ones called when the falls happen.  We still need to make the best decisions.  In what way can you lighten your load?  For me, it is walks in nature and good conversations with true friends and time with my enchanting granddaughter.  Yesterday I went with her and her mother for her first haircut.  I love being a part of the beginnings of life --- they help offset the endings.  

Remaining Calm

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   "You cannot calm the storm . . . . so stop trying.  What you can do is calm yourself.  The storm will pass." Timber Hawkeye
   
   

   As caregivers, even if we are not doing the caregiving 24/7, there are lots of storms.  We are going through a period of my loved one falling:  falling out of the wheelchair, falling out of bed.  The nursing home staff has lowered his bed near the floor and put a cushioned mat beside it to protect him, and if the falls from the wheelchair continue, we will implement a tray for the wheelchair.  The falling is, in my opinion, that he forgets he can no longer walk, and - in the midst of a hallucination -- he tries to go where he thinks he needs to go.  The best approach for me is to remain calm and consider the options for keeping him safe.

Helping Across Threshold

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   "At heart, hospitality is helping across a threshold." Ivan Illich
   

   
   

   As caregivers, isn't it possible that one of our main tasks is to help our loved one cross the threshold from this life to what is after?  That may seem gruesome to some, but the reality is our loved one is dying - barring a miracle.  It helps me to think of it in the terms above:  it is hospitality to help someone cross a threshold.  We all have had a someone in our lives who has helped us cross a threshold of some kind.  A kind person who did not do something for us, but showed us the way and supported us as we made our journey.  That is what we can now do for our loved one:  support him or her in the journey.  

Living Life

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   "Yours is to live it, not to reveal it." Helen Luke
   
   

   Wise words.  We can spend so much time thinking about life and talking about life -- perhaps even telling people our beliefs about what life means.  But the richer thing by far is to simply live life.  That means, for me, to stop being in my head about something in the past or in the future, to be present to what is before me - without resistance, and to immerse myself in what is my life.  Perhaps it does not get any better.  Yes, I have a husband dying from a terminal and debilitating disease, but - even in that - I can find sweetness.  Yesterday he was so glad to see me (it varies depending on his mood), and he was also so tired.  I sat with him, holding his hand, as he slept.  He is such a good man.

Sadness is Normal

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   "Despair is what happens when you fight sadness. Compassion is what happens when you don’t. " Susan Piver
   
   Interesting suggestion. Piver suggests that the great people of whom we might think, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, etc,, arrived at their greatness by feeling sadness.  We have much sadness to consider as caregivers.  To witness someone we love dying with a terminal illness is very, very sad.  Perhaps Piver is right, and it is best to feel the sadness.  How can you honor the sadness today?

Knowing Our Relevance

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   "We, too, are each significant parts of the whole, playing our unique and independent parts in the orchestra of life." Herracia Brewer
   
   

   It seems that part of the journey in life is to realize that while we are not special -- as in set apart from others in a special way --, we are special in the unique part we contribute to the whole of life.  It is a subtle, but important, distinction.  We are a unique essence.  Just like we are told that no two snowflakes are exactly alike, no two human beings are exactly alike.  No snowflake is more important than any other snowflake; and it is also true, no human is more important than any other human.  We bring our unique giftedness and personality to life -- as only we can.  Have you ever considered what a difference it would make if you were not here?  We can all see that difference when someone we know and love dies.  We see that the essence that was so uniquely and genuinely them is now gone.  Let us know the contribution we make while we are still here and interacting with life.