Skilled Listening

"Communication is to relationships what breathing is to life." Virginia Satir

It has come to my attention that in periods of agitation and anxiety, Dwane has even called our minister --- complaining that I have stuck him away in a basement and abandoned him, and that every other resident gets to go home for extended stays.  So that adds to the list of family physician and family members that I am aware of he has called.  It is ironic.  There is an element of truth to what he says to them:  he is in a lower level of the assisted living facility.  He is not isolated; in fact, where his room is with its expanded living area has more staff interaction than the individual rooms.  And, as far as abandoning him, I see and talk with him several times a week, take him to appointments, buy him clothing and equipment.  And, of course, residents do not go home for overnights except on very rare occasions.  Hearing from our church secretary how Dwane has called there reminds me of how important it is to have skilled listening when dealing with someone with dementia.  Skilled listening is hearing their upset, without believing all of what they say.  One of the sadnesses the disease of dementia has created is that Dwane is no longer a reliable reporter of the facts in his life. (an example is last week when I took him to a doctor to check a pain in his groin:  he reported that he has had the pain for about 1 year (it has been about 5 weeks) and that he has it all the time (he only has it when he is lifting his torso to get out of bed.)  I do not blame him for being upset about being in assisted living-- even though we agreed when I was driving us home from Mayo Clinic where we got his diagnosis that I would do home care only for so long as it was workable for me, but his upset is made worse by people who listen and support his delusion that he could live independently.  He would prefer to live at home, but that is no longer possible.  The assisted living center now wants him to have a walker and a lift chair, it took 30 minutes just to get him out of the center and into the car to take him to a doctor appointment this week, he can no longer get out of chairs, his legs go numb if he sits too long, he now wears adaptive clothing.  The neuropsychologist recommended "a setting where there is plenty of supervision", and that is what he has now.  So, skilled listening is not supporting any delusion the person with dementia may have, but hearing their feelings, their anxiety.  It is knowing that part of what is speaking is the disease of dementia.  I am grateful for the skilled listeners, like the church secretary, who told Dwane that I would not have put him in assisted living if it were not what I thought was best for him and for me.  Thank you to all the skilled listeners who support both of us.