Boundaries

""Guilt trips are about violating boundaries.  Guilt trips are about control.  It is a way of manipulating people to get a desired outcome through indirect and passive-aggressive tactics." Dr. Val Farmer.

As dementia caregivers, it is nice when people offer to help us.  But not all of the help offered is in our best interest.  Sometimes people have ulterior agendas.  When the help that someone is trying to force upon us is not in our best interest or in the best interest of the person for whom we provide care, then we need healthy boundaries.  Dr. Val Farmer offers some tips for establishing boundaries when people are trying to control us or force some help that is not helpful:
1.  Mirror back to them what they are saying.  Confront them with their own words. i.e. "Are you saying I am not providing good care if I don't do what you want me to do?"
2.  Try to find out what they want, and tell them the options that you are willing to consider.
3.  Don't let them suck you into their plans; make your own plans and be very clear about them.
4.  If they try to inflict guilt, develop thick skin.
5.  Don't be afraid to say no, and if necessary, use the broken record technique, which is repeating what your plans are.
6.  If possible, try to get the issue clearly defined (although I find this is a hard one with people who are not willing or able to honor boundaries -- they also seem to have trouble being clear and forthright about what they are after.)

Help and support from others is wonderful, but only if it is in the form that is help and support for us --- only if it is the form of help we want.