Helpful memories

Today I had two memories which are helping me deal with this new life of living with someone with dementia. I had been feeling "lost" and without purpose after dismantling most of my professional life (feeling the need for him to not be alone for as long as I had been previously when doing my professional work). I also felt discouraged about what to look forward to. It seems every milestone is the reverse of what I am oriented to notice. As a young mother, I looked forward (as any parent) to the first words, first steps, etc. With this condition, it is noticing yet another thing that he cannot do. It also felt endless to me. Perpetual downhill prognosis with no end in sight, and rather horrifying if one thought of the ending days.

So, I remembered today two memories. One was when at age 24, weighing 133 pounds at full term pregnancy, I was giving natural birth to a large (7 lb. 15 1/2 oz) baby in a breech delivery. I remember consciously thinking in the 5 hours of hard labor that I was either going to die or the baby was going to be born, and it didn't really matter, because in either case, it would be over. It wasn't really that I was being fatalistic, I just needed to put some time parameters on the misery. I knew it would not last forever. I know this stage of life with dementia will not last forever either.

The second memory was of myself as a young mother who made the conscious choice to quit work and be a stay-at-home mother (one of the choices in my life about which I am most grateful). When my children were very young, there were times when I felt chained to the house - literally. It was a shocking change in lifestyle for me. And I adapted. I would wait until their father came home, and then I would go running. I can adapt to this life with dementia too. And I will. I realize I am good at "postponing" my more-normal life when I see a higher calling. I am capable of putting my life on hold and choosing to deal with some life situation when I know it is not forever, when it is - in my opinion - the integrious way of dealing with the situation, and when I see greater meaning in responding to the situation than in continuing life as usual.