"The caregiver cannot retain the same familiar relationship with the patient as in the past — we now have to live with the patient as she or he is today and a new relationship must be formed. Carrying the emotions of our past relationship into the present only dissipates our energy and weighs us down." Author of "Your Name is Hughes Hannibal Shanks", Lela Knox Shanks.
Whether your relationship in the past was good or not, it will be different now that the person with whom you are in relationship has dementia. Accusations, suspicions, faulty reasoning: all lend to difficulties in any relationship. One way to deal with these new behaviors is to completely reframe your idea of what the relationship can be. It can no longer in many definitions of the relationship be spouse, parent/child, etc. We need, in my opinion, to reframe the relationship. Now we have a relationship with a person who misperceives, has difficulty with judgment and reasoning, remembers some things but not others. In the language of Virginia Satir we as caregivers are the adult, and the person receiving the care is in many respects a child. But we dare not treat him or her as a child. It helps me to think in some instances that the behaviors are very much like a small child; that helps me from taking the behaviors personally.
I agree with this completely.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I HAD to make an emotional transition from intimate wife to wifely caregiver. It wasn't an easy transition but a necessary one for my own peace of mind and heart.
I also keep reminding him for most behaviors, it's OK, it's not your fault. I do this as much for me as I do for him.
Making this transition has helped me keep a better perspective of my role. I will be able to look back and say that I always cared about him instead of just taking care of him. Otherwise I feared I would stay angry, bitter and hard at his behaviors all the while I was building a wall of resentment between us.